Never can say goodbye
by dicaprio
Summary: Did Christian really tear the wallpaper off the wall to reveal the truth back in April 2010?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_June 2011_

"I'm pregnant," Amira announces excitedly, rushing out of the bathroom and throwing herself on top of her sleeping husband.

"What?" mumbles Syed, struggling to wake up.

"I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant," she cries happily, jumping up and down on the bed.

"Seriously, are you sure?"

"Yes, I've done three different tests, and they were all positive," she confirms, accepting his bone-crushing hug, and laughing delightedly as he covers her face in kisses.

"A little brother or sister for Jack," Syed murmurs with a contented smile, after they've calmed down a little. "Life really doesn't get any better than this."

"I know. It's a miracle really, considering ..."

"Please Amira, don't," he begs.

"I'm sorry," she replies, regretting spoiling the moment. "I love you," she adds earnestly.

"I love you, too," Syed automatically replies, hugging her close.

"We must tell everyone; lets invite mum and dad, Tam and Afia, Kamil, and your father for dinner tonight," he suggests after a moment; the idea of announcing such wonderful news to his family filling him with pride.

"Yes, they'll be thrilled," she agrees.

"I'll leave work early to come and help you with dinner."

"Do you have to go to work?" she asks. "We could spend the day together, we never spend enough time together," she adds wistfully.

"I wish I could," Syed affects regret, as he quickly evades her exploring hands, "but we're crazy busy, and I was supposed to be at the office half an hour ago," he adds, looking at the clock. He jumps out of bed and reaches for his clothes before she can stop him. "Let me know if everyone can make dinner, and I'll make sure to be home early," he hastily repeats his promise, and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before rushing out the door.

###

On his way to work, Syed thinks happily about how perfectly his life has turned out. He has a beautiful wife, and an adorable little boy. And soon, a new son or daughter will make their family complete. On top of that, the Estate Agents' office he opened a little over six months ago is doing really well; he picked the perfect time to go back into business, as the housing market which had been stagnant for so long began to pick up once the banks started lending again. His parents couldn't be prouder of him.

"But this is a good day," the thought jumps into his head, "and there haven't been many of those since Christian left." Memories from that terrible time wash over him once more.

########################

His determined battle to keep away from Christian and bury his feelings forever lasted barely a week after his and Amira's the flat warming; and one night, he found himself once more outside his flat. When he got no answer from his soon-incessant buzzing, he sent Christian a text; and when he got no reply, he sent another and another and another, reaching stalker-level over the next couple of days. After returning to the flat a few more times with no success, he eventually had no choice but to very reluctantly approach Jane in the Café one morning. She, very angrily and very bluntly, informed him that Christian had gone to Canada the day after the flat-warming, and wasn't coming back.

Syed recalls very little about the day after that point: Jane's voice in the distance asking him if he was okay, her grabbing his arm to steady him, but nothing more. The next moment of awareness came when she was tapping him on the shoulder to tell him they were about to close; and he realised that he was still in the Café, that it was dark outside, and that he was sitting at one of the tables holding an untouched, cold cup of coffee with both hands. Over the next few days, he hid himself away in his old room back at his parents' house, seeing and speaking to no one; and only finally coming out when his father threatened to break down the door.

###

He often thinks about his last words to Christian, giving him the impression that he wasn't enough; and it breaks his heart that it was the last conversation they would ever have.

The morning had started so perfectly; they were so happy, so in love, and looking forward with almost giddy anticipation to the wonderful future they would have. He'd been so sure of what he was going to do when he went back to the house with his parents; it was the right thing, the only thing he could do. He'd tried for four, long, miserable months to make a life with Amira, but it had been impossible; and the thought of another 50 years of that life was more than he could bear. He knew what he had to do …

But almost as soon as they arrived back at the house, despite his resolve, Syed's nerves started to get the better of him. He was supposed to be phoning the guests to confirm that they were coming, but the names and numbers on the page were blurring under his distracted gaze; he couldn't concentrate, his heart was pounding; now that the moment had arrived, the realisation of what he was about to do terrified him.

And then, he approached the kitchen door and heard his parents talking about the shame he'd brought on the family; and about how much he'd disappointed them. His father, in a tone filled with disgust, talked about _seeing_ him with Christian in disgrace. Every word broke Syed's heart, and every rational thought left his head. He let his emotions take over; and instead of calmly walking into the kitchen and telling them what he planned to do, he went to pieces, allowing them take control. He ended up trying to defend himself as if he were doing something wrong; whilst they treated him as if he were a 13-year-old boy in trouble for playing truant from school, instead of an adult in need of understanding and compassion. They bombarded him with argument after argument, until he felt he was being crushed under the weight of their disapproval.

All his life, more than anything, Syed wanted to live up to his parents' expectations of him; he held them in such high regard. But the happenings of the past year have really opened his eyes to their failings, and brought it home to him that they are actually even more messed up than he is. If they were having the same 'conversation' today, he knows he would find it a lot easier to fight against his parents' emotional blackmail. Syed Masood has been forced to grow up a lot in the past year.

But that day, when his father told him that a good man would look after his wife and child, he knew in that moment that his dream was over; he tried to fight on but his future was already decided. He'd spent his whole life struggling to be a good man, it was the foundation of his whole belief system; yet deep down, he'd always been afraid that he didn't measure up. And now, his father was confirming this by accusing him of letting his wife, his child and his family down by his selfishness in acting only to secure his own happiness. His challenge to Syed to honour his responsibilities like a good man would, sealed Syed's fate.

He didn't know himself well enough back then to understand that he would be able to do a lot more for his child if he, himself, were happy, rather than if he were depressed and heartbroken. And he didn't think enough about his responsibility to Christian, or about Christian's pain; because to him it was their pain, their loss; he felt he was sacrificing both of them for the sake of his child.

###

A few years ago, he would have been thrilled to be where he is now; having achieved everything he ever wanted. The wife, the kids, the business; it had been the plan from as far back as he could remember; and he'd had every confidence in his ability to achieve it, despite a few set-backs early on. Being gay was an inconvenience, but he'd been able to keep that part of himself separate; only giving in to it when it was impossible to do otherwise, and always being careful to be very discrete.

But then he met Christian, and everything changed. He found himself taking risks he would never have dreamed of taking before this breathtakingly handsome man came into his life and destroyed his peace of mind forever. For the first time, the attraction was so much stronger than his will to resist. He'd never needed anything or anyone as much as he needed Christian; and that hasn't changed. He knows that if he were to look up at this very moment and see him approaching, he would still be knocked off his feet by the force of his emotional and physical response.

And because Christian is now no longer part of his life in even the smallest way, for Syed nothing feels right; nothing feels enough anymore. He's happy for a short while each day when he holds his son or plays with him before he goes to bed; but the rest of the day for him is dull, meaningless; he can't shake that empty feeling which is his constant companion. Everything pales in comparison with the days when he had nothing, but got to spend time with Christian. At first, he tried to keep up the pretence with Amira, but it wore him down; and eventually, to make his life a little more bearable, he had to find time to hide away on his own so that he could let the mask slip. He couldn't explain to Amira what was wrong; all he could do was try to reassure her that it wasn't her fault.

########################

By the time Syed pulls into the parking space outside his office, his joy has already been crushed under the weight of his memories. He is overcome with conflicting emotions of guilt at having to admit that his family isn't enough; and pain at the loss of Christian, which feels as fresh today as it did in the weeks after he left the Square. Syed rests his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to get himself under control.

"Hey, you okay?" James calls through the car door window, making him jump.

"Fine, I'm fine," he jerkily replies. Quickly straightening up and opening the car door, he gets out and walks past him without saying another word.

"What's he doing here so early?" he wonders irritably, throwing his bag down on his desk and heading for the kitchen.

"You sure you're okay?" James asks once more, coming up behind him and touching him on the arm.

"Yes," Syed snaps, quickly moving away from him. He makes a cup of coffee without offering him any, and marches back to his desk.

He'd employed James a couple of months earlier because the office was getting busier, but it had been a terrible mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_A couple of weeks later_

"Ian, please just tell me what happened, from the beginning," Christian begs, his heart pounding.

"She was crossing the road ... I was coming out of the Caf ... the car was going very fast … tyres screeching ... she ... she was on the ground lying so still," he sobs, unable to continue for a minute. "The ambulance brought her to the hospital ... she hasn't regained consciousness," he finally adds, his words barely recognisable through his tears.

"What have the doctors said?" Christian asks, trying to keep the panic out of his voice.

"I don't know, nothing really," he says unsurely. "They speak to me, but I can't concentrate on what they're saying. I don't know what's going to happen to us; without Jane, we're not a proper family," he cries brokenly.

"How are Lucy, Peter and Bobby?"

"Peter and Bobby are in bits; Lucy is trying to be strong for all of us, but she's barely holding it together."

"I'll get the first available flight back," Christian assures him.

"Thank you Christian," he gratefully responds, his voice all choked with emotion.

###

For the rest of the day Christian works on autopilot, putting his clients through their paces and rearranging appointments. But most of all, he worries about Jane and hopes with every fibre of his being that she's going to be okay. His boss and friend Eric is very sympathetic, and immediately reassures him by insisting he take all the time he needs and offering to help in any he can.

That night, as he lies in bed, Christian has a little more time to think about things, and can't help letting thoughts of him in. His feelings run back and forth from fear to nervous excitement at the thought of possibly seeing him again. "I don't have to see him," he reminds himself. "I'll be spending most of my time at the hospital; so, apart from Jane, Ian and the kids, no one needs to know I'm back. And once Jane wakes up (because she has to wake up) and the doctor says she's out of danger, I'll leave immediately and head back to Canada. She's due to be coming over to see me in a couple of months anyway, so she won't mind me leaving abruptly." These reassurances set his mind a little more at ease, but also remind him of the first time Jane came to Canada not long after he'd left London; and the message filled with desperation she reluctantly passed to him from Syed, the words of which he has almost completely memorised:

"_... I know I've no right to ask this after the way I treated you; but I'm begging you, please come home to me … We can find a way be together, I know we can; we have to be together … I never knew how much it would hurt to wake up every morning knowing that there was no chance I would see you or speak to you that day, or any day; I can't bear it anymore … Maybe I could come and see you; but I don't know if I would be welcome. Jane wouldn't tell me if you were seeing anyone. Please let me come to you?… I can't tell you how bad I feel about my last words to you; they were so far from the truth. And I want you to know that, even though I'm suffering now, I'm so glad I met you, got to know you, got to hold in my arms. I promise you from the bottom of my heart that you were never last on my list; I was, and always will be; I don't know how to change that … Please, please come back to me ... we'll find a way."_

Even though reading the words over and over again broke Christian's heart, he knew there could be no going back; it was too late for them.

A few weeks after Syed's first letter arrived, Syed's first email popped up in Christian's Inbox. In it, he explained that they would keep in touch via email until Christian was ready to move back to London. And from then on, Syed sent him emails almost daily; they were filled with words of love and longing, but also news about stuff happening back home (Christian had never really noticed that so many jaw-dropping things happened in the Square on such a regular basis). Syed also kept him up to date on the major events in his own life: when he had no choice but to accept money from Amira's father to buy Max's old house; when he managed to convince the bank to give him a loan to take over the lease on the estate agents' premises (with Yusef, Tamwar's father-in-law, acting as guarantor). He also confided in Christian about things which worried him: his doubts about whether he would be able to make a success of the business, and project enough authority to convince the three guys he was going to need to employ that he was in charge; his worries about being a good dad, and providing properly for his young family; and about his mum and dad's fights, which seemed to be getting more vicious with each passing week.

If he ever sounded truly worried, Christian would phone Jane and get her to have a chat with him, without letting him know that he'd sent her.

The tone of Syed's emails changed after Jack was born. He couldn't stop talking about him; Christian knew his first word (Tam, because Tamwar kept repeating it to him until he had no choice but to say it), about his first smile, his progress towards crawling. The moment he managed to sit up for the first time merited a special email all of its own; sent after everyone had gone to bed, because Syed just couldn't wait until the next day to tell him. Syed sent him many pictures of Jack so that he could see how he was changing from week to week.

He often begged Christian to let him know how he was getting on, if he was doing okay, if he was happy; and every so often, he would still try to convince him to move home, or plead to be allowed to come to Canada to see him.

Christian never replied to any of the emails; he knew he couldn't. He also knew he should tell Syed to stop sending them, but each one made his life a little more bearable; they were too precious to give up.

########################

_James_

From the moment he first saw him, James was struck by Syed's beauty. Afterwards, if you asked him to tell you about his interview, he wouldn't have been able to recall what either of them said; only what Syed was wearing; the incredible smoothness of his voice; the way he seemed to feel more comfortable with his arms crossed; the fact that he was unaware that even though his hair was carelessly styled, he still looked stunning. If it were ever possible for James to get beyond self-love, he would have fallen in love with Syed that day.

For the first few weeks after he started working at the Estate Agents, he tried to get to know him better; and when it became clear that Syed had no interest in anything he had to say or any offers he had to make unless they were business related, James was not impressed. One of the other guys, Kieran, tried to diffuse the situation by explaining that it was nothing personal, that Syed was simply a very private person; he also pointedly reminded James that Syed was married. But James' ego being what was, he persisted. He had a feeling about his boss, and wasn't going to give up.

Over time, his lack of success frustrated him, and led him to act spitefully. Picking up on Syed's lack of managerial experience, he started to undermine him by making the odd derogatory comment about the way he ran the office, and it got to a point where he criticised pretty much every decision Syed made.

Syed knew he should at the very least have a word with James about his behaviour; but for some reason he couldn't explain, he was wary of him and the idea of a confrontation made him very uneasy.

Sensing his fear, James took things a little further: letting him know with subtle hints how attractive he found him; invading his personal space whenever he got the opportunity; and he delighted in making lewd comments about his own love life, which he knew made Syed uncomfortable. In short, James did pretty much everything he could to make Syed's life as difficult as possible.

Amira often came to the office to visit her husband, even though he never seemed particularly happy to see her. And one day, she arrived just as he was frantically trying to tie up an important sale. When she walked in, he was facing away from her, and she unwisely decided to sneak up behind him and put her arms around him. Syed's instinctive reaction wouldn't have seemed unusual to James, who witnessed his pulling away from his wife's ill-timed demonstration of affection; but the guilty blush which followed gave him plenty to think about.

###

_One evening_

"Working late again?"

"Yea," Syed replies, without looking up. "What are you doing here?"

"Forgot my wallet," James replies, but instead of going to his desk, he walks over to Syed's, sitting down in the chair opposite.

"I was just about to leave," Syed abruptly announces. He quickly gets up from his desk and puts on his jacket.

"Not going to log off first?" James enquires, before he is halfway to the door.

"Haven't got time," he mumbles, feeling irrationally fearful of going back to his desk and away from the front door, "I'm late; I was supposed to be home an hour ago."

"Fancy going for a drink?"

"I don't drink alcohol," Syed automatically replies.

"I'm guessing they'll still let you in the pub," he suggests.

"Sorry, not tonight," Syed persists. "As I said, I'm late." He closes the door on whatever else James might have been about to say.

###

_The following morning _

"What are you doing here?" Syed asks, surprised to find him on his doorstep not long after Amira and Jack leave to go visit Qadim.

"Kieran said you took the M J Jackson property file home with you, and I need to look at it; I think I've got someone interested," he says casually, walking past him and into the house uninvited.

"I put that file on your desk before I left last night," Syed reminds him.

"Aren't you going to offer me a drink?" James replies.

"I don't have time for this, I've got to leave for meeting in a few minutes," he responds, reaching for his jacket.

"Running away again?" James asks; coming up behind him and slipping his arms around his waist, pressing himself up against him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Syed shouts, pulling away and turning to face him.

"So, tell me about Christian Clarke," he invites with a smile. "All those emails, with no response; unrequited love's a bitch, 'aint it?"

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," he assures, when he sees the affect his words have on his boss.

"You had no right to go through my emails," Syed replies, his voice tinged with fear.

"Does your wife know you've been pining for a guy; writing to him over and over, pleading for him to come back to you?"

"Keep your nose out of my business," he tries to warn.

"Of course, as long as you make it worth my while," James murmurs, as he reaches out a hand to cup his cheek.

"Get out," Syed yells, backing away and reaching behind him until he feels the wood of the front door. He then turns and quickly opens it, and stands back to allow him to leave.

"Okay, whatever you want," James carelessly responds; brushing up against him as he passes, his hand moving to make more intimate contact before Syed grabs it and thrusts it away from him.

"I know what you need, and I'm going to enjoy giving it to you," he purrs.

Syed bangs the door in his face.

Shaking like a leaf, he paces back and forth across the sitting room floor. "What should I do?" he wonders. "Is he going to try to blackmail me, or is he just playing games?" After a lot of agonising, he decides to do nothing, and hope the problem will magically resolve itself.

On impulse, he logs onto his laptop, and sends Christian an email telling him the whole story and asking for his advice; even though he doesn't expect an answer, he feels a little better for having told him.

Christian is at that moment getting off a plane at Heathrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"F**king rain," Christian mumbles irritably to himself has he steps out of the taxi outside Ian's without an umbrella. He walks straight to the door without looking left or right and knocks twice.

"Christian," Lucy's cries, her eyes filling with tears as soon as she sees him.

"Hey, it's okay, come here," he says soothingly, putting his arms around her and giving her a big hug.

"How is she?" he asks once they are sitting down with a couple of mugs of tea and some sandwiches.

"She still hasn't woken up," Lucy confesses; her tears threatening to fall once more.

"How are Ian, Peter and Bobby?"

"Dad's in bits; he can't think straight, concentrate on anything; he just wants to sit by her bed, holding her hand. Peter is trying to take care of the business, but he's struggling.

"Dad said you could move back into the flat," she tells him; going to get the keys, before he can explain that he only intends to be around for a few days, a week at most.

"I'll quickly unpack and grab a shower, and then head to the hospital," he tells her on his way out.

###

He walks through the flat, and remembers. It seems such a small place now; but back then, with him, it was Christian's whole world; his little bit of paradise on earth. His memories of their time together in this flat are more vivid than any before or since. He feels very vulnerable all of a sudden. "Coming back here was a mistake," he realises. He turns to leave, but then stops himself. "You're here for your sister," he sternly reminds himself. "You'll be going between the flat and the hospital, you won't see him. As soon as Jane wakes up, you'll be leaving. You won't see him," he repeats his mantra.

###

Seeing Jane lying so still in a hospital bed is a shock for Christian. For a while, all he can do is sit holding her hand, as he numbly tries to grasp the reality of what's happened. Eventually he manages to pull himself together enough to insist that Ian take a break and go home for a few hours' sleep. Lucy, Peter and Bobby and Denise and Tanya all come to see Jane at different times throughout the day, but thankfully neither Zainab nor Masood make an appearance.

When he comes to check on Jane's progress, Christian introduces himself to the doctor and asks how she's doing. He explains that she has suffered a cerebral contusion of the cortical tissue of the frontal lobe, a bruising of the brain tissue; but assures him that she is being monitored around-the-clock, and that they are happy that there is no excessive intracranial pressure. He is, however, unable to give an indication of when she will regain consciousness. The best he can offer is that "they will have to wait and see". He cautions that they need to prepare themselves for the fact that she is unlikely to wake up all at once. Rather the process of full recovery of consciousness will be gradual and may take hours or even weeks. Christian holds onto the hope that at least the doctor doesn't at any point give the impression that he thinks she may never wake up.

###

At the time Christian is speaking to the doctor, Syed is hearing about Jane's accident for the first time from Amira, and resolving to go to the hospital that night to see her. Jane has been a good friend to him since Christian left, and he feels a comforting connection to him when he's around her. He is anxious to see her, and also to find out as much as possible so that he can email Christian with some hopefully reassuring news. He goes to see Ian first to offer to help in any way he can; but as soon as Lucy clocks eyes on him, she angrily tells him to stay away; that they don't want him anywhere near the hospital. He isn't surprised by her reception; she's never forgiven him for driving Christian away. What he doesn't know is that she's also panicking at the thought of them running into each other.

###

_Later that week_

Syed is doing his best to run the office, whilst at the same time avoiding James. He arranges to be out as much as possible, and so has to do most of his paperwork in the evenings after everyone's left. He manages this for a few days, but then one afternoon walks into the kitchen at the wrong time.

"Tonight, 7pm," James hisses, grabbing his arm as he quickly turns to leave; "there's an alley a few minutes' walk to the right as you exit Walford Tube station; don't be late."

"I can't …," he tries to say.

"We need to have a little chat; it can be in private or on your doorstep, it's your decision," James leaves him in no doubt about how far he's prepared to go.

Syed reluctantly decides he has no choice but to meet him; he hopes he can persuade him down from whatever amount of money he has in mind.

###

_7.10pm that evening_

Christian feels like skipping instead of walking as he exits Walford Tube Station. "She opened her eyes for a few minutes; she was confused and only able to get a few words out, but she was definitely awake," he happily tells Eric's answering machine. He is so happy, he forgets to be cautious, and is almost upon him before he spots Syed walking quickly down the street in his direction, his head down. Without thinking, Christian ducks into the nearest doorway, out of sight. Seeing Syed for the first time in so long, even such a brief glimpse, leaves him shaking and unsteady on his feet. He has to lean heavily against the door for support, and has an almighty struggle to stop himself going to him. "Will I ever not feel this way?" the despairing thought runs through his mind, followed by a panicky realisation, "I can't risk meeting him; I've got to go back to Canada tonight; Jane's on the mend …," interrupted abruptly by, "But hang on, where's Sy; he should have gone past by now." Christian peeks out from his hiding place, to find the street empty. Hearing voices coming from a nearby alley, he runs up the street and stops just outside, out of view, and listens.

"You're late," someone says sharply.

"I couldn't get away," Syed answers, his voice sounding nervous.

"Come a little closer, I can't see you properly from there."

"If its money you want, I haven't got much," Syed stammers, "I've got loans all over the place, and probably won't start to make anything for another 2-3 years."

"Let's start with something a little more interesting," the voice says silkily; and before Syed has a chance to back away, two hands are gripping his shoulders and dragging him further into the alley. As he is thrown up against the wall, he cries out in pain; and Christian tenses, his fists clenching. He can see the other man for the first time, and is not surprised that Syed has gone for someone of a similar build to him.

"Get off me; I don't want this," Syed pleads, desperately trying to push him away.

"Of course you do," James breathes against the side of his face, his body pressing hard against him. "When did you last get any? You're probably gagging for it. I know your wife is, the way she's flirting with Kieran any chance she gets; told us yesterday she's up the duff, are you sure it's yours?" he asks tauntingly. This has the desired effect of making Syed struggle harder, but James easily subdues him by twisting his arm up behind his back. "Right, enough foreplay," he growls, twisting his face around so that he can kiss him.

"Let him go," Christian orders menacingly, coming forward out of the shadows.

James quickly glances over his shoulder to see who's decided to interrupt his romantic moment. "F*ck off and find your own, this one's taken," he growls dismissively, deciding Christian's a poacher.

Syed's eyes open wide with surprise and shock when he sees Christian; and he lets his guard down for a moment, allowing James to capture his mouth in a rough kiss.

"I said let him go," Christian roars; before his right hand lands on James's shoulder, pulling him away from Syed, and his left hand lands a punch which knocks him out.

"Christian," Syed whispers shakily.

"It's okay," he gently assures, grabbing him under his arms to stop him sliding to the ground. "Hey, hey, are you okay?" he asks when Syed's head falls forward. Putting a couple of fingers under his chin, he raises it; but when he puts a hand to the back of his head for support, he's horrified to feel the wetness and realise that it's blood.

"Sy, Sy, can you hear me?" he urgently pleads once more; but gets no response. A moan from the attacker alerts him to the fact that he is regaining consciousness. Christian gets up, and very carefully brings Syed up with him; he lifts him into his arms, and carries him out of the alley and back to his house.

"Syed," cries Amira in alarm, when she opens the door.

"He got mugged; hit his head," Christian quickly tells her.

"Oh my god," she breathes.

"Phone for an ambulance," he instructs, snapping her out of her daze. He carries Syed inside and lays him gently down on the couch in the sitting room. "Have you got a first aid box?" he calls after her. "Please Sy, just give me a sign that you can hear me," he begs, stroking his cheek with a trembling hand. "Sy talk to me, please," he desperately pleads. He times his pulse and is relieved to see that it's neither too slow nor too fast; and loosens his shirt and tie, trying to make him as comfortable as possible.

"The ambulance should be here in about 10-15 minutes," Amira tells him when she returns. He finds some gauze in the first aid box and presses it to the back of Syed's head to stop the bleeding.

"Christian," Syed mumbles groggily after a little while, as he starts to regain consciousness.

"Hi babe, it's me," Amira reassures him; and Christian reluctantly gets up to allow her to kneel down beside him.

"Where's Christian? Did he come back for me?" Syed mumbles.

"I came back to see Jane," Christian quickly cuts him off before he can say anything else.

"You're very lucky Christian found you," Amira tells him. "We're going to bring you to the hospital to get you checked out; everything's going to be fine."

"Has he forgiven me?"

"His lips are dry," Christian snaps agitatedly, "could you get him a glass of water?"

"Yes, of course," Amira says, hurriedly getting up and going to the kitchen.

"Where's Christian, I want Christian," Syed mumbles as she walks away.

"Shut up," Christian mutters, quickly kneeling back down beside him.

"You shut up," he responds, looking up at him with a weak smile, his eyes shining with tears.

"You okay?" Christian asks huskily, doing his best to hold back the emotion ready to burst from him at his first proper sight of the man he loves in over a year.

"Are you really here?" Syed whispers, his voice filled with wonder. He lifts a hand to stroke his cheek but doesn't quite make it; and his eyes close again.

"Hey, Sy, Sy, wake up for me babe," Christian urgently pleads, his hand stroking his cheek, trying to get his attention.

"How is he?" Amira asks, returning with the water.

"He spoke a few words, but then lost consciousness again," Christian anxiously tells her. He keeps hold of his hand and whispers softly to him all the while they are waiting for the ambulance. Amira goes to check on Jack and make sure everything is turned off. Syed doesn't open his eyes or give any further sign of consciousness, and soon they hear the ambulance siren in the distance.

Once Syed is in the ambulance, Christian uses all his will power to force himself to turn and walk away; all the while wishing more than anything that it was his right to ride in the ambulance with him.

"Christian, you'll stay with our little boy, Jack," Amira says absently, as she gets into the ambulance beside her husband. "I can't get hold of Auntie or Uncle."

"What? No, sorry, I can't," Christian immediately replies, spinning back around towards her; horrified at the idea of spending time with Syed's Son.

"I'll get someone to take over from you as soon as I can," she promises, as if he hadn't spoken. "He's in our bedroom, at the top of the stairs, first door on the right. He's been fed and put to bed, and should sleep straight through until early morning; so you won't have to do anything apart from listen out in case he starts crying. Thank you so much," she says gratefully, before the ambulance door closes.

Christian very slowly, and very reluctantly, walks back into the house; not quite believing where he is and what's just happened. Without making a conscious decision to do so, he starts to climb the stairs, his heart pounding. "I don't need to do this," he reminds himself, "there's no sound, he's asleep; all I have to do is sit downstairs and wait for someone to come." He continues to climb, ignoring his own advice, and slowly opens the door to the room where he will see for the first time a little boy he feels he already knows so well, who is the son he should have had with Syed. "I'm just making sure he's all right," he tells himself, as he tiptoes in. His eyes quickly skim the room; his heart lurching painfully when he sees the bed, but almost immediately it's forgotten when he spots the cot in the corner. He can't help moving carefully further into the room so that he can take a peek, but too late realises his mistake when he finds himself staring into a pair of wide-open, beautiful brown eyes. He holds his breath for a moment, but as he starts to back away Jack suddenly comes to life, and starts to cry like his world is about to end. "Shush, shush, sweetie," Christian urgently whispers, but Jack has his arms in the air and isn't going to give up. Toys, soothers, nothing works; and, realising he has no choice, Christian picks him up, and immediately his cries stop. "You're supposed to be asleep," he gently accuses, "your mummy told me you would be asleep." Jack puts his thumb in his mouth and looks innocently up at him. "I'll bet you do this all the time, don't you?" he guesses, stroking his cheek, which is still wet with tears. "You're up here getting up to all sorts, and mummy and daddy don't have a clue, do they?" Jack gurgles non-committedly. Forgetting everything in the moment, Christian and Jack settle down on Amira and Syed's bed and proceed to have a long-overdue getting-to-know-one-another chat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"CHRISTIAN? YOU LEFT HIM WITH CHRISTIAN?" Masood explodes down the phone.

"What's wrong with leaving him wish Christian?" Amira asks innocently.

"Um, nothing," he manages to reply, after an endless moment of trying to get his temper under control. "Zee will go straight over to the house to get him," he assures. "I'll come to the hospital."

"What about Christian?" asks Zainab anxiously, as soon as he gets off the phone.

"He's back, and with our grandchild as we speak," he angrily informs her.

"What? Why? Where are Syed and Amira?"

"They're at the hospital; Syed got mugged."

"Oh my God. How is he? Is he okay? I must go to him?" she replies in a panic, reaching for her coat.

"No, you're going to get Jack from HIM," Masood orders. "I'll go to the hospital."

"Did Amira tell you how Syed is?" she persists.

"I didn't ask," he absently responds, walking away from her.

########################

"We're going to keep him in overnight for observation, but there's nothing to worry about," the doctor reassures Amira.

"Thank you doctor," she warmly responds, her eyes filling with tears of relief. She sits back down beside the bed where her husband is sleeping, and offers up a prayer of thanks to Allah. As she looks down at Syed, her heart swells with conflicting emotions; she thinks about how much she loves him, has loved him from almost the first moment she laid eyes on him. She'd never met anyone like Syed; he was so handsome, so charming, so kind, so funny; so everything she could have ever wished for in a man. But nothing could have prepared her for the shock of being married to him. Because there were always other people around before they got married, she'd never really noticed that he found it so difficult to talk about himself, about his feelings. She'd had no idea that he suffered from depression, which meant that he would hide himself away in the office he'd converted from one of the bedrooms, for hours on end. She once dared to walk in on him, and was shocked to find him in tears. When she gently pressed him to tell her why he was crying, he admitted that he was lonely; and when she reminded him that he had her and Jack, he simply looked at her and whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Things got a little better once Jack was born, but she can honestly say that she knows as little about her husband today as she knew the day they got married. Her love for him has not diminished, but it has changed; she now loves him because of the bond they've formed due to all they've been through over the past few years; because he's the father of her son and of the child she will soon have; and because she knows he's still a very good and kind man, who can make her laugh and charm her effortlessly when he's in a good mood. She feels guilty about the friendship she has found with Kieran; nothing's happened, she would never betray Syed; but she loves chatting to him, she loves the way he is always happy to see her; she can now tell the difference between the way Syed acts happy and the way Kieran is genuinely happy when she walks into the office. They have lots in common; and the more time she spends with him (he often takes her to lunch because Syed is too busy), the more she sees how much is lacking in her relationship with Syed. Sometimes, recently, she has indulged in daydreams where she meets Kieran first. But she knows it would have made no difference, she would have chosen Syed anyway; because before they married he seemed perfect in every way, and she fell in love with him before she really knew what love was all about. She accepts that none of that matters now, because she's committed to Syed and their family, and could never leave him.

########################

Jack has decided that he trusts Christian enough to let him hold his favourite teddy bear for a little while, but soon wants it back again. They've been sitting on the bed chatting contentedly for over an hour; and whilst Christian is doing most of the talking, Jack is trying to hold up his end by making lots of cute baby noises which make sense to him and which Christian finds adorable.

"Your daddy's going to be fine, I know it, definitely, he's going to be fine," Christian tells Jack, and himself. "You don't have your mummy's mobile number, I suppose?" he asks. "We could give her a call just to make sure."

"Mama," Jack says helpfully.

"Give him to me," Zainab hisses from the door, giving Christian the shock of his life.

"Zainab," he squeaks, getting quickly up off the bed; whilst still holding Jack, "Amira and Syed ..."

"I know what happened, now give him to me," she angrily cuts across him.

An old, long-forgotten rage takes hold of Christian; he deliberately looks away from her, and down at Jack. "I guess I've got to say goodbye to you now, my little man," he says softly, "but it's been really special spending this time with you." He lowers his head to give him a kiss on the cheek, before handing him over to Zainab. He then walks out the door without another word.

###

"Oh my God, I'd forgotten what a mess it all is," he tells himself angrily as he walks down the street. How did I put up with it all for so long?" he wonders. "I can't wait to get back to Canada, I really don't need this." After closing the door of the flat behind him, he leans heavily against it breathing a sigh of relief, and is surprised to find himself bursting into tears.

########################

"Why don't you go home and check on Jack, and get some sleep," Masood tells Amira. They've been sitting together by Syed's bed for a couple of hours. "I'll sit with him for a while, and I'll call you if anything changes," he assures her.

"What if he wakes up and I'm not here?" she asks worriedly.

"He won't wake up now until morning; and the doctor did say he's going to be fine," he points out.

"Okay," she reluctantly agrees, "but if he does wake, be sure to tell him I was here."

"Of course."

"And call me as soon as he wakes up."

"Amira, just go," Masood snaps impatiently. "Sorry," he adds immediately, "it's just been such a shock; we were so worried."

"You don't have to explain," Amira says, giving him a hug.

As soon as she's out the door, Masood gently shakes Syed's shoulder. "Syed, Syed," he whispers, looking over his shoulder quickly to make sure none of the nurses see what he's doing.

"No, go away," Syed mumbles, trying to shake off his hand, not wanting to wake up.

"Syed," he hisses, shaking him a little harder, "wake up."

"Dad," he mumbles, slowly opening his eyes. "What happened?" he asks uncertainly, looking around him. "My head ..."

"What were you doing with him?" Masood angrily demands, being careful to keep his voice as low as possible. "How could you be such a fool, getting back with him after all that's happened? After all you've achieved, you'd risk everything?"

"What?" Syed asks, confused at his hostile manner. "My head hurts," he tries to make him understand.

"How long has it being going on? How long has he been back? How long have you been sneaking around?"

"I don't understand," Syed anxiously pleads, "what have I done wrong?"

"I'm warning you," Masood hisses, his eyes widening as his anger intensifies, "if you hurt Amira, Jack, or your new baby, I'll hurt you." And with that, he jumps up, knocking over the chair, and storms out the door.

"My head hurts," Syed murmurs unhappily.

########################

"Hang on, hang on," Christian grumbles, falling out of bed, half asleep. He stumbles to the door, pulling on his trousers on the way. "You break the door, you pay for it," he warns, as he opens it.

"Why have you come back?" Masood shouts, bursting past him and into the room. "You think you can just take up from where you left off; finish the job properly this time?"

"Masood, how lovely to see you," Christian responds sweetly; "tea, coffee?"

"Amira's pregnant, you know," he informs him.

"Well de _ja f**king vu_," Christian replies sarcastically. "Have I actually been away? I'm sure we were here the last time I looked. Get over yourself, Masood. I could care less about your family; Syed and Amira can have 10 kids and it won't worry me."

"So why are you sniffing around again?"

"I'm not, I just happened to be passing and saw he was in trouble; I would have done the same for anyone. I left as soon as Zainab came to take over baby-sitting duty," he explains, his voice devoid of emotion.

"So, why are you back in Walford?"

"Jane."

"Oh, yes, of course," Masood responds, the muscles in his jaw unclenching a little. "And you've no interest in Syed?"

"It's not me you should be worried about," Christian replies.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The mugger?"

"Just some random guy."

"No, he knew him."

"What?"

"The guy wasn't looking for money; he was going to rape him."

"What?" Masood weakly repeats.

"I don't think we're the only people who know Syed is gay."

"Oh," he replies, his face clouding over with worry.

"You know you once called me a predator; well this guy is the real deal, and he has his sights firmly fixed on Syed. I saw the look in his eyes, his arrogance; his whole demeanour screamed it; I've come across guys like that before, and you don't want to draw them on you."

"How is he?"

"Who?"

"Your Son," Christian reminds him.

"Just stay away from him," Masood warns, before pushing past him with the intention of leaving, but Christian grabs his arm.

"You've got to protect him; you can't let him fight this guy alone. I won't be around next time; I'm going back to Canada in a few days. Masood, this guy is dangerous, do you understand me?"

Masood doesn't reply; he pulls his arm out of his grip and walks out the door.

########################

"Syed, wake up," Masood begins the conversation abruptly, before he has even reached the bed.

"Hmm," Syed murmurs, trying to block out the voice which feels so loud and jarring.

"Wake up," he urgently repeats, whilst shaking his arm none-too gently.

"What's up?" Syed asks vaguely. He opens his eyes, and quickly tries to close them again as the early-morning light is too severe.

"Can you get out of the bed? I need you to get dressed and come with me?" Masood tells him in a low voice.

"Now? It's very late, or very early; I don't think I'm supposed to leave the hospital until they've discharged me," Syed says unsurely.

"It can't wait; Jack needs you, he's been calling for you."

"Really," he says with a fond smile, now struggling to sit up, Masood having gotten his attention. "He's definitely daddy's boy, I've never said anything to Amira, but I've always felt it, from the first moment I held him, and …"

"Syed, now!" Masood interrupts him.

"Okay," he says nervously. He quickly gets out of the bed, but needs to take a moment to steady himself before taking the clothes Masood has brought for him and getting dressed.

###

"Why are we stopping here?" Syed asks, breaking the silence which has lasted the whole journey.

"Take this," Masood instructs, handing him a brown envelope, and reaching to pull a large bag from the back seat of the car.

"What is it?" he asks, opening the envelope to find a bundle of £20s. "Why?" he adds puzzled.

"I'm not going to let you put my grandchildren in danger," Masood coldly informs him.

"In danger?"

"You're going to go into the station and catch a train to Leeds or where ever, and you're not coming back," he floors him by telling him what he expects him to do.

"No, NO, I won't," Syed cries. "I'm ..."

"You couldn't give it up, could you?" Masood hisses, his voice filled with distaste. "You couldn't resist temptation; even for the sake of your own child. You disgust me."

"Dad," Syed whispers.

"Go, get out of my sight," he shouts.

"You can't make me leave my son," Syed pleads brokenly.

"If I ever see you back here again, I'll tell your son and your wife exactly what you are," Masood warns icily. "Jack is going to grow up to be a good Muslim; and if he ever finds out about this, he will look at you the same way I'm looking at you now.

"Please Dad," Syed cries, dropping the money and blindly reaching out to him.

"You've brought a dangerous man into our lives because of your behaviour; you've put us all at risk. I know you weren't mugged; I know you met that guy in a bar and had sex with him."

"No, I didn't," he tries to plead, but Masood pushes the money back at him; and forces him, and the bag with his clothes in it, out of the car.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_That evening_

"I wish you didn't have to go back so soon," Jane says tearfully, accepting Christian's goodbye hug.

"I'm so sorry," he responds miserably, "but I can't stay; Eric is covering for me, and we're really busy right now." He doesn't admit the real reason he has to leave, but Jane can guess.

"Eric was really understanding about me having the time off, and I don't want to take advantage," he feels the need to explain further. "You're coming to visit as soon as the doctor gives you the okay, right?" he desperately reminds her.

"I know, but it's so wonderful having you here," she can't help pleading. "I wish you could move back; the place really isn't the same without you. I miss my little brother."

"And I miss you, the kids; even Ian," he confesses with a shaky laugh. "Maybe someday I'll be able to come home," he adds wistfully.

###

Arriving back at the flat, Christian is disconcerted to find the street door open, the lock forced. The first thought that runs through his head is that Syed's boyfriend has somehow found out where he lives and wants to repay him for the slap. Despite his misgivings, he walks slowly up the stairs, looking around him for anyone who might be hidden in the shadows. And then he enters the flat and finds Syed curled up asleep on the bed; looking so pale, so vulnerable. The shock of seeing him again so unexpectedly, hits Christian like a bolt of lightning. Holding his breath, he can only stand staring, until a random noise from below startles him out of his trance. He rushes over to the bed to check that Syed is definitely only sleeping; and, having reassured himself, he carefully removes his shoes, puts a quilt over him; and watches him sleep for a little while, before going to get some spare bedding to make up a bed for himself on the couch.

###

"Christian," Syed whispers.

"Huh?" he mumbles sleepily.

"He took everything from me."

"What?" he asks, blinking in the darkness; slowly waking up. He reaches out and switches on the lamp on the coffee table. Syed is kneeling on the floor beside the couch; his arms folded and resting on Christian's chest.

"I've lost my son, my family, my home, my business," he says achingly; "I'll never see my unborn child."

"Who took them?" Christian asks softly, reaching out to brush away his tears.

"Dad," he replies sadly. "He's thrown me out of the family again."

"I don't understand," Christian responds, his tone doubtful. "When I phoned Amira earlier today to ask how you were, she told me you'd checked yourself out of the hospital this morning and had gone to stay with friends for a few days. She said you'd sent Masood a text to say you were okay, but just needed some time to think. Apart from not being very happy that you'd simply gone off without speaking to her first about it, and the fact that she couldn't get hold of you, she didn't give the impression that there was anything major going on. I assumed you were running away from me again," he admits.

"Dad said he couldn't let me put his grandchildren's lives at risk with my behaviour. The guy who attacked me, he thinks I picked him up in a bar."

"And that's not what happened?" Christian asks.

"No, I've not been with any guys since you left," Syed admits.

"Sy, you knew him; I heard you ask him if he was looking for money; he knew about Amira being pregnant," Christian quietly insists.

"He works in the office, his name is James; I hired him a couple of months ago."

"And you and he ..."

"No, never."

"So why did he take such a risk with his boss?"

"He figured out I was gay; he saw the emails I sent you. I met up with him because he was threatening to tell Amira; I didn't know what else to do."

"Masood came to see me the last night. I told him you knew your attacker, and that I thought he was dangerous. I told him because I thought you might be in over your head and need his help. I didn't say anything specific about you picking guys up in bars, but he obviously assumed …

"I'm really sorry," he adds, when Syed doesn't respond.

"It's okay," he sighs. "You thought you were helping me. It's not like he didn't already know I was gay; and you couldn't have known he would react like that. I've hurt you so much in the past; maybe it's now my turn to lose everything," he adds hopelessly.

"I wasn't looking for revenge," Christian assures him.

"I know; you never did hit back, no matter how far I pushed you."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know," Syed admits. "Jack is all that's kept me going, and the idea of never seeing him again ... I was standing on the platform this morning waiting for the train to Leeds to arrive, when I realised that I couldn't do it again; I couldn't start again all alone. I no longer have the strength, the courage to arrive in a new city and make my way. Losing you was only bearable because of Jack, but without Jack ... never seeing my baby boy or girl ...," he stumbles to a halt and bursts into tears. Christian gets up and gently pulls him up with him and into his arms; Syed clings to him.

They stay like that for ages, both unable to let go; but then Christian senses the danger, and remembers what he promised himself before he got on the plane. He starts to pull back, but Syed won't let him. "Sy," he huskily pleads.

"No, please, not yet," he cries, pressing his lips against Christian's neck, communicating his need without words; desperate for the comfort only Christian's arms can bring.

"I'm with someone, Eric," Christian forces the words out; and for a moment, he thinks Syed isn't going to release him; his grip tightens, but then he slowly pulls back.

"Sorry," he says huskily. "I shouldn't have done that. I'll go," he adds in a choked voice; and, without looking at him, he turns away and is out the door before Christian can stop him.

"Wait, Sy, there's no need for you to leave," he calls after him, his voice full of concern and regret, but Syed is already at the bottom of the stairs.

"Sh*t," Christian exclaims angrily, wishing he hadn't listened to that stupid little voice in his head. Then he spots Syed's bag and shoes on the floor beside the bed. He pulls on his own shoes, and runs out the door after him. When he reaches street level, he looks quickly left and right, and is lucky to catch sight of him before he turns the corner.

Syed hears him calling his name and starts to run, but in an instant he feels Christian's hand grabbing his arm, and he's pulled to a stop.

"Come back to the flat," he begs, bringing him around to face him.

"I shouldn't have gone there in the first place," Syed says miserably. You don't need to hear about my problems; I've lost the right to ask you for anything."

"Don't be silly," Christian gently chides, turning him back towards the flat.

"You're shivering," he notes anxiously, when they arrive back. "You really need to be taking things easy after only this morning coming out of hospital. Jump in the shower; I'll bring you some towels and a change of clothes."

Whilst Syed is having a shower, Christian cooks them a very early breakfast (it's only 5am), and they both feel a little better and brighter once they've eaten.

"I didn't just come here because I was in trouble," Syed admits. "As soon as I woke up in the hospital, I remembered you were back in Walford, and determined to come and see you."

"You're lucky you caught me; I'm flying back to Canada this evening.

"You're going back?" Syed asks shakily.

"Yea, this was just a quick visit, to see Jane after her accident. Ian and the kids ..."

"You haven't moved back home?" Syed asks tensely.

"No, I've built a life for myself in Canada, I ..."

"With Eric" Syed angrily interrupts. "How long have you been together?"

"He was good enough to give me a job when I was down on my luck; I owe him a lot," Christian says quietly.

"Do you love him?" Syed asks, his voice raw with pain.

"He ..." Christian starts to say, torn between wanting to protect himself, and needing to take away the hurt in Syed's eyes.

"No, don't answer that," Syed takes the decision out of his hands. "It doesn't matter; I've moved on, too; I love Amira, and ..."

"Cut that shit out, right now," Christian shouts, his patients disappearing in an instant as Syed hits a nerve. "I really don't want to hear that particular line of bullsh*t one more time. God, I really haven't missed this," he snaps getting up and walking into the bathroom; and banging the door behind him.

"I'm sorry," Syed says sadly against the bathroom door. "Please come out, I won't mention her again."

"Fine," Christian snaps opening the door abruptly and brushing past him.

"So, what are we going to do about your predicament?" he asks, changing the subject.

"There's nothing to do," Syed responds dejectedly. "If you leave, and if I lose my children, I'll have nothing left to live for …"

"Maybe you could do what you should have done in the beginning, and tell Amira the truth," Christian suggests. "That would stop James in his tracks; the next time he tried to attack you, you would be able to go to the police. And, whilst you would lose Amira, you could take legal steps to get some sort of shared-custody arrangement for Jack and your new baby. You would probably lose Masood and Zainab, but if you'd taken that train you would have lost them anyway.

"I don't know," Syed says nervously.

"How have things been with you and Amira?" Christian asks curiously.

"We get on well enough."

"Yea? She doesn't suspect anything?"

"Well, she wasn't happy because I was avoiding sex," Syed admits, blushing furiously, "so I had to admit that I have a very low sex drive."

"What?" Christian laughs at the very idea.

"I had to tell her something," he responds defensively.

"What did she do with that piece of information?"

"Well, she dragged me to see a couple of doctors, and I had to flush some cures down the toilet; but in the end we got to a point where she accepted that I couldn't change, and got used to just birthdays and Valentine's day and maybe a couple of other times now and then. To be honest, I've been working so hard we hardly see each other, and there are always other people around, so it works well enough."

"What about Kieran?"

"Who?"

"James mentioned her flirting with Kieran?"

"Oh, Kieran at the office; yea, they get on really well."

"Is she interested in him?"

"Maybe."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"As long as they're doing no more than talking, I don't mind," Syed admits.

"Are you sure they're not?"

"She wouldn't cheat on me."

"Why not? If you're as rubbish in the bedroom as I get the feeling you are, why wouldn't she eventually look somewhere else?" Christian points out.

"Why does any of this matter?"

"Because, if Amira were interested in Kieran, it could make things easier for you; she might not take your news as badly. And once she's calmed down, and had time to think, she might be relieved to get out of a miserable marriage."

"The last thing she will be is relieved about any of this," Syed says grimly.

"It's a bit early to go and see her now ...," Christian suggests.

"Today?" Syed asks, panicking. "You think I should tell her today?"

"Yes, unless you don't feel up to it?

"Well ..." Syed eagerly grasps at the excuse.

"Sy, the sooner you get this sorted, the sooner you get to see your little boy."

"I don't know if I can admit to her that I'm gay," he frets.

"It's up to you," Christian says with a shrug, "but if you're not going to tell her the truth, you might as well take that train," he bluntly informs him. "You're not doing it for me this time, you're doing it for your son," he adds bitterly.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_An hour later_

"Syed," Amira cries, in shocked delight, when she opens the front door to find him standing outside. He accepts her warm embrace and follows her into the sitting room. Walking over to the cot, he picks up his son and holds him close, his eyes glistening with tears.

"How are you?" she tentatively asks.

"I'm fine," he lies.

"Where have you been? I've left you lots of messages; I tried to call you ..."

"I need to talk to you," he says quietly.

"Where have you been?" she repeats the question, anger now colouring her voice as the shock of his re-appearance wears off. "You should have called; we've been worried; one short text is hardly …"

"Amira I've lied to you," Syed admits, his heart pounding.

"Well, obviously; but what I don't understand is why you did it; why send a text to your father to say you're going away if ...?"

"I don't mean about that," he wretchedly corrects her. Kissing his son's forehead, he reluctantly puts him lying back in his cot; hoping with all his heart that this isn't the last time he will ever get to hold him. "Come with me," he says, taking Amira's hand and leading her into the kitchen; not wanting their son to witness what's about to happen.

###

"You're really starting to scare me," she admits, when he stands with his back to her without speaking for what feels like an eternity.

"I'm thirsty; would you like something from the fridge ...?"

"Syed, tell me what's wrong," she anxiously cuts across him.

"I'm gay," he whispers, almost hoping she won't hear him.

"What?" she cries.

"I'm gay," he repeats, slowly turning around to face her.

"No, you can't be," she faintly denies; trying her very best to find the idea ridiculous, even as all the pieces fit into place; that one simple word explaining everything about his behaviour over the past year and a half.

"I'm sorry," he offers inadequately. "I've struggled with this for so long … I tried to do what I thought was best for everyone ... I've prayed day and night ..."

"No, no, don't ... stop saying these things; we're married, we've got a son," she frantically reminds him, a note of hysteria creeping into her voice; as she desperately tries to resist, to block out; to hold onto what she thought they had.

"I'm so sorry," he repeats the useless words, knowing there is nothing he can say to ease her pain. Reaching out, he vainly tries to offer comfort; but she pushes him away. Turning her back to him, she walks over to the window; to look out but see nothing, her mind rushing from one thought to another without being able to focus on any.

"Did you ever care about me?" she asks huskily after a short while. "Did you only marry me because you wanted children?"

"I thought once we were married, that you and our children would be enough for me; that I'd find peace once I totally committed myself to my family. I didn't understand back then ... I didn't know that it would be so difficult … that this would never go away," he tries to explain. "I do love you, that's not a lie; but ..."

"How could you have ever loved me, if you were prepared to commit me to something as life-changing as marriage and having children, whilst knowing you could never be a proper husband to me or make me truly happy? The fact is, you married me simply because it suited you; I was just some silly girl you met at the right time, my feelings didn't count for anything, what was best for me didn't matter. All you've ever cared about is your image as successful business man, family man, and all round good guy; but what you've done to me isn't something a good guy would do. This is the 21st century, and you've been brought up and educated to know how to treat people, to know the difference between right and wrong; so you can have no excuse for behaving like the traditional selfish, male chauvinist a**hole."

Syed's eyes drop, a blush staining his cheeks; he can offer no defence against any of her accusations.

"I've never been any more to you than a cover for your shameful secret?" she adds, her voice filled with bitterness; wanting him to feel even the smallest part of the hurt and humiliation he's inflicted on her.

"I've been ashamed of what I am for most of my life, but I shouldn't have been; there's nothing to be ashamed of," he quietly responds.

"Of course not; I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," she instantly regrets her words.

"I know," he gently assures her.

"Why are you telling me this now?" she abruptly demands.

"I ..."

"Has it got something do with Christian being back?" she asks shakily, a wagon load of pennies dropping.

"No, it was James at work, he ..."

"You and James," she interrupts, sickened at the thought of any guy touching him.

"No, he guessed, somehow; he was trying to blackmail me; the other night, it was him who attacked me."

"And Christian; are you telling me nothing happened; all those months, all the time you spent hanging out with him?"

"Christian is just a friend," he weakly tries to convince her, but the blush in his cheeks has Amira attacking him, fists flying.

"You and him, YOU AND HIM, all along," she cries hoarsely, her fists reigning blows on his chest. "How could you do that to me?"

"Amira, please," Syed begs, putting his arms around her; forcing her into a tight hug. "I can't help this; it's part of who I am. I've tried so hard to resist it."

"You mean you tried so hard to resist Christian," she responds bitterly, as she pulls away from him.

"He's only here because of Jane; he's flying back to Canada this evening."

"Are you going with him?"

"No, I could never leave Jack and our new baby."

"So if you're not going to be with him, you can stay with us," Amira cries, suddenly desperately hopeful of a way to save them.

"You can't want to keep living the life we've been living for the past year," Syed gently reminds her. "You need someone who will cherish you, make you feel special."

"I can't believe any of this," she cries, her voice trembling with renewed anger. Unable to stand still, she marches back and forth in front of him; the expression on her face changing from anger to despair, and then back to anger again, as her brain works furiously.

"You know, I thought Christian was my friend," she muses, almost to herself, "and he let me think it; he listened to me talk about you; he let me confide in him," she adds, her face now blanching as she remembers, "he gave me advice, tips on how to seduce you; he ... he was in the next room," she cries, her hand going to cover her mouth. She abruptly rushes out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Syed finds her on her knees being sick in the toilet. He gently pulls her hair away from her face; and when she feels ready to stand up again, he helps her to her feet.

"Please don't upset yourself like this; it's not good for the baby," he pleads anxiously, and gets a murderous look for his troubles. He retreats back to the kitchen, not knowing what else to do.

"Drink this," he offers her a cup of tea when she returns. She holds onto it with both hands; the warm liquid helping to calm her stomach a little.

"You were both laughing at me the whole time," she numbly accuses.

"No, Amira, never," he firmly denies. "We felt so terrible having to lie to you; Christian begged me so many times to come clean, and I wish I'd listened to him."

"So what happens now?" she asks, her voice flat. "If you leave us, and people find out why, you know they'll blame me."

"I could never walk away from you and Jack, no matter what happens," Syed tries to put her mind at ease. "I'll always be here for you both, and our new baby when he or she arrives."

"If you leave, what will happen to us, where will we go?" she pleads, unable to trust his words of reassurance; the enormity of what's happening becoming clearer to her with each passing moment.

"You and Jack will stay here, it's your home; I'll move out, I'll rent somewhere in the Square; I'll always be nearby," he urgently promises.

"We don't have to tell anyone; we can carry on as we were," she can't help suggesting once more, hating to hear the pleading note in her voice.

"I'm sorry," Syed responds miserably.

"I'll be ruined," she says in small voice.

She slowly turns away from him, and goes back into the sitting room. Picking Jack up out of his cot, she hugs him to her; trying to draw some comfort from his warm body and baby smell. Without saying another word, she takes him upstairs.

###

"How did it go?" Christian asks hesitantly when Syed returns to the flat looking more than a little shaken.

"She was really upset," he admits unhappily. "She's worried about what will happen to her once people find out."

"But she's done nothing wrong," Christian can't help pointing out.

"That's not the way our Community will see it. She suggested that we could stay together, and not say anything."

"Are you considering it?"

"No; I've made my decision, I've chosen you," he responds, giving him a hopeful look.

"Sy, you're not doing this for me, you're doing it because you're being blackmailed; but also, I hope, because you will be happier once you stop hiding from your true self.

"I'm doing the right thing, finally, so that we can be together," Syed insists, his hands reaching for him.

"No, Sy, there is no 'we' anymore; and there never will be again," Christian says with quiet certainty; he takes a step back, away from him.

"You don't mean that," Syed replies, shocked.

"Why are you back here? Did Amira throw you out?"

"No. I thought ... I wanted to tell you what happened," he says unsurely.

"It's nothing to do with me," Christian resolutely reminds him. I'm glad you've taken the first step towards getting your life back, but I'm not part of your future."

"Don't you care about me anymore?"

"Sy, I'm not going to have this conversation."

"Please," Syed begs, moving towards him once more, "let me remind you of how it used to be," he tries to coax, his hands moving to touch his face.

"No," Christian snaps, slapping them away.

"Why are you doing this? I love you; I've never stopped loving you," he cries, his eyes filling with tears; unable to take anymore rejection in this long, miserable day.

"You didn't realise it back then, but the night before the flat warming, when you stopped me leaving; when you told me you were going to tell your parents about us; that was your very last chance with me," Christian admits. "It doesn't matter what you do now, we will never be together again."

"Are you okay?" he asks anxiously; when Syed reaches out a hand to grip the back of the chair to steady himself, his face going pale.

"I don't feel so great," he mumbles.

"Okay, you've had more than enough for one day," Christian responds, his voice softening. "Why don't you lie down for a while?" he suggests, taking his arm and leading him towards the bed.

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"My flight is at 6; so I'll need to leave soon," Christian reluctantly tells him.

"Please don't go," he begs, his face crumpling; his tears falling.

"I have to."

"No, you don't; we can be together now," he desperately tries to persuade him; "although, maybe not straight away, I mean not openly; Amira's really upset right now and it would only ..."

"No," Christian viciously cuts him off, his voice hardening. "I gave you so many chances, and you threw each one back in my face. You may not have done it deliberately, but you hurt me more in the space of one year than anyone's ever done. I will never put my happiness in your hands again," he bluntly tells him, before abruptly turning and walking into the bathroom, and closing the door behind him.

After a few minutes Syed hears the sound of the shower.

###

_An hour later_

Christian can't resist pressing his lips against Syed's cheek. "Goodbye," he whispers, his voice choked with tears.

Syed stirs but doesn't wake.

He picks up his bags and walks out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_A couple of hours and a bit later_

"SYED MASOOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY PASSPORT?" Christian roars as he explodes through the front door of the flat. Carelessly discarding his bags, he marches over to the bed, grabs Syed by the shoulders and pulls him almost completely up out of it.

"What? What are you talking about?" Syed mumbles, struggling to wake up. "I've got a headache, please don't shout," he begs, reaching up to massage his forehead.

"You let me go all the way to the airport, knowing I wouldn't be able to get on the plane."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Syed weakly insists.

"Bullsh*t," Christian barks, but he lets him go. Not trusting himself to be gentle enough, he straightens up and walks back across the room. "I've managed to get a seat on a later flight, so you'd better cough it up sharpish."

Syed gets out of the bed. "I need to take something for my head," he murmurs.

"Syed, I'm warning you."

"I can't bear the thought of you leaving again," he whispers.

Christian takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Sy, I have to go back; I have commitments; I have a new life there, and I need to return to it," he tries to reason with him.

"I haven't got it; your passport, I haven't got it."

"Syed," he snaps impatiently.

"It's somewhere safe," Syed finally admits in a small voice.

"You think this is some kind of game?" Christian angrily accuses.

"I can't get to it today," he mumbles, his eyes dropping.

"Right, get out," Christian immediately orders furiously; and without waiting for a reaction, he grabs his clothes, throws them at him, and starts dragging Syed towards the door.

"Ouch, you little …," he cries in surprise and pain when Syed twists his head around and bites the hand gripping his arm, forcing him to let go. "As he examines the teeth marks, an image pops into his head of him standing naked in front of a mirror, examining an identical set of teeth marks on his left bum cheek, and then looking over his shoulder at Syed lying naked on their bed with a very sheepish look on his face; and for a moment Christian has the strongest urge to either burst out laughing or grab him and throw him down on the bed, and ...

"I can't let you leave yet," Syed breathlessly interrupts his distracted thoughts, as he quickly backs away from him. He then turns and runs into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

###

"Are you hungry?" he asks breezily, walking back out 20 minutes later after having had a shower.

"We could order some take-out," he suggests, when Christian doesn't reply.

"Which would you prefer, Chinese or ...?"

Christian gets up and walks out, banking the front door after him.

########################

"I've been to see Amira; she's a little calmer; we talked for ages; I told her all about us, and about how much I love you. In the end I think she understood my situation a little better; she let me see Jack," Syed eagerly tells Christian as soon as he walks back through the door the following morning.

He walks past him without a word.

"I've made breakfast, your favourite: smoked salmon, eggs," he tries, when Christian comes out of the bathroom a little later, dressed in a fresh set of clothes.

"How soon can you get my passport?" he bluntly demands.

Syed concentrates on his food.

"Is there a chance you might for once in your life try to think of what's best for me?" Christian asks bitterly.

"I don't want you to go," he says quietly.

Sighing, Christian sits down opposite him. "Sy, I have to go back to Canada; it's my home now," he tries to get through to him.

"I want you to meet Jack," Syed responds. "Amira said I could have him this afternoon."

"Jack and I have already met, the night you went to the hospital," he tells him, a reluctant smile tugging at his lips at the memory.

"Really?" he asks with a big smile. "Isn't he the most adorable little boy?"

"Yea, he's just perfect," Christian admits huskily.

"I want you to get to know him."

"Please Sy, don't do this."

"Where did you stay last night?"

"I slept on Ian's couch."

"Oh, well you can stay here from now on; we can take turns sleeping on the couch," he generously offers.

"Gee, thanks," Christian responds sarcastically.

########################

"I'm heading out now, so you'll have the flat all to yourselves," Christian tells Syed when he arrives with Jack. He gets up and goes to get his coat off the back of the door.

"Jack wants to say hello, don't you honey?" Syed says, as he places his son in Christian's arms; whilst at the same time relieving him of the coat and hanging it back up on the back of the door.

"Hey there," Christian says softly. He strokes his cheek with his thumb, and presses a gentle kiss against his forehead. Jack gives him a big smile, and his heart melts. "I think he remembers me," he says huskily.

"Of course he does; you never forget Christian Clarke," Syed responds teasingly, as he watches them together for the first time; something he'd imagined so often but thought he might never see.

###

Spending a whole afternoon with them is a truly bitter-sweet experience for Christian. Watching daddy Syed at work is just about the most adorable thing in the world; and each time Jack looks at him with those big, beautiful brown eyes, Christian's emotional attachment to him grows even stronger. They don't do a lot: a walk in the park; a little game with a toy that plays a different tune depending on which block you hit with your hammer; some feeding, which Syed insists Christian has to do; some nappy changing, which Christian insists Syed has to do; and some time for Syed to catch-up on everything that's been happening with Christian whilst he's been in Canada (with Eric being mentioned as little as possible), whilst Jack has a nap.

When Syed goes to drop Jack off with Amira, Christian has time to think; time to realise that he's starting to let down his guard, and that he really needs to go back to Canada as soon as possible.

"Sy, I can't stay ..." he begins, as soon as he walks in the door.

"I've got to go into work for a few hours tomorrow morning, but do you fancy meeting me for lunch?" Syed quickly interrupts. "I'd like to show you around the office, and introduce you to Kieran."

"Please, listen to me," Christian desperately insists. "It doesn't matter what you do, I won't change my mind."

"I stopped off at the Minute Mart on the way back," Syed explains the bags of shopping, as he drops them onto the kitchen counter. "I've got everything we need to make chicken korma for dinner; if you cut up the onions and put down the rice, I'll get started on the chicken.

Christian wearily does as he's told.

"I have to go back," he tries once more, as they clear the table once they've finished eating; "my life is there now; I'm settled."

"I miss him; I miss Eric," he reluctantly adds, when he doesn't get a response.

"I'll be able to get hold of your passport in a few days," Syed responds, his voice icy.

"How many days?" Christian calls after him, as he walks into the bathroom and angrily bangs the door behind him.

###

_The next morning_

"Mmmmm," Christian murmurs, stretching out languidly in the bed.

"I'm going now, but don't forget to come meet me for lunch," Syed tells him from his position sitting on the side of the bed.

"What?" he mumbles, forcing his eyes open; surprised and flustered to find the object of his dream so close.

"I've left the address on the table; see you around 12.30," Syed adds, giving him an overly-bright smile.

"Right, yea," Christian automatically agrees, still not fully awake. "Did you just kiss me?"

"No, of course, not," Syed replies sharply, quickly getting up and turning away from him.

"What I said last night, I didn't mean to ..."

"Bye," Syed interrupts without turning around. He leaves the flat before Christian can find the words to finish the sentence.

"Syed Masood, you little kiss thief," he murmurs to himself, as he snuggles down under the warm quilt once more. "You're just full of mischief these days, aren't you?" he thinks with an indulgent smile. As he presses his fingers against his lips, which are still tingling from Syed's touch; his thoughts drift into a warm, fuzzy place for a little while. But then his annoying little voice of reason forces its way in: reminding him that this isn't the beginning of some cute romance; but the messy, painful ending of something that once upon a time could have been so special. This irritating voice insists on pointing out that Syed being loving and loveable, caring and vulnerable is not a new development; that he was all those things two years earlier when they first got together, when he cruelly stood in front of him and proposed to Amira; and when he stood in front of him and married her a few months later. And the following year, when he finally broke his heart into tiny little pieces by telling him he wasn't enough for him; Syed had loved him then, too. Christian's smile slowly fades.

###

"Dad told Kieran to make the necessary arrangements to give up the lease on the office premises; can you believe it?" Syed tells Christian as they eat.

"I still can't believe he would be prepared to lose contact with you all over again, to keep you from seeing your children, just because of something he must know you can't control," Christian responds.

"He told him I wasn't coming back, but Kieran decided not to do anything until he'd heard from me."

"He seems like a really solid guy."

"Yea, he was a real find." Syed admits. "I've sacked James," he adds matter-of-factly; but Christian can hear the slight tremor in his voice.

"Good for you," he responds happily. His hand covers Syed's, giving it a gentle squeeze, before he remembers himself and removes it. He wants to hug him for being so brave, and tell him how proud he is of him, but doesn't.

"What do you want to do now?" Syed asks when they arrive back at the flat. "Maybe we could go to the Vic for a drink," he suggests; "together," he adds meaningfully. "I want to hold your hand, I'm ready to hold your hand now," he says huskily. And as Christian looks down at their joined hands and then up to see the truth of his words reflected in Syed's eyes, he can't help a flicker of hope ...

"Jane," he says sharply, shocking them both out of the moment. "I need to go to the hospital to see Jane," he adds more confidently, breaking Syed's hold and backing away.

"How is she doing?"

"Pretty well; she was awake for a few hours yesterday; the doctors are happy with her progress."

"Can I come with you?"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Christian says uneasily. "If we show up together …"

"No, of course not," Syed snaps, before turning on his heel and walking into the bathroom; he bangs the door after him.

"This flat really needs more rooms," Christian thinks to himself.

###

Over the next few days, Christian and Syed try to avoid talking about their long list of sore subjects. They spend lots of time with Jack; who has taken to Christian better than he's ever taken to anyone else, according to Syed.

Syed tries in lots of subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle, ways to show Christian how much he loves him, and how much happier he would be if he lived back in London; and Christian tries his best to protect his heart from the only man who has ever pierced it.

Christian visits Jane for a few hours each day.

Ignoring his wishes, Syed turns up one evening, and Christian has little choice but to let him stay; so he decides to turn up every evening.

When they're alone, Christian tries to explain the situation to her; and Jane tries her best to understand about Eric (who she knows is happily married to Sophie) being Christian's boyfriend; about Christian and Syed not being together (even though they spend a lot of time casting longing looks at each other, when they think the other isn't aware); and to say what she thinks is the right thing when Syed begs her, when Christian is out of earshot, to try to get Christian to stay in the UK. She loves her brother very much; and, over the past year, has become very fond of Syed; but sometimes when they get up to leave, she can feel only relief. The bang on the head she received when she got hit by the car isn't giving her half as much of a headache as these two ever-conflicted men.

########################

When Masood, in a fit of rage, tries to attack Christian after spotting them walking along the street with Jack in his push chair one day, Syed quickly gets between them.

"Dad, no," he shouts; trying with little success to push him away.

"You said you only came home for Jane, but it didn't take you long to break up my son's family; I hope you're proud of yourself," Masood angrily accuses.

"Go away Masood; nobody has any respect for anything you've got to say anymore," Christian replies, affecting a bored voice. He wants to punch him, to knock him senseless for what he tried to do to Syed; but manages to remind himself that it's none of his business.

"Dad, none of this is Christian's fault," Syed vainly tries to make him see sense.

"Don't waste your breath, Sy; he can't understand your situation because he's too brainwashed, too lacking in any kind of common sense, to be able to get it."

"How dare you," Masood cries, pushing Syed out of the way and throwing a punch in Christian's direction, which he ducks away from.

"Great way to behave in front of your grandson, Masood," he calmly responds; but when he reaches down to give Jack a reassuring cheek rub, and to give him back his teddy bear which had fallen, Syed is surprised to see that his hand is shaking.

########################

"Where is Syed?" Amira asks frostily one evening when Christian answers the door.

"He left about 5 minutes ago, to bring Jack back to you."

"Right," she responds, turning to leave.

"Amira, I'm so sorry …," he starts to add.

"Save it," she snaps.

"Would you like to come in for a minute; I think we need to talk. I've thought about coming to see you, but wasn't sure you'd want to see me. I didn't want to upset you anymore than ..."

"It's a bit late to be worried about that now," she sarcastically replies.

"Sy should be back shortly; please come in and wait for him," he entreats.

With a sigh, she gives in, and walks past him into the flat.

"Would you like some tea, coffee?"

"No."

"How are things?" he asks tentatively.

"How do you think they are?" she barks. "I've spent the past few days trying to figure out what I'm going to do; and having flashback after flashback of situations I've been in with you and Syed in the past, where I thought I was among friends; but now I can see that you were the last two people in the world whom I could trust. I spent the whole of yesterday evening trying to plead with my dad not to kill the father of my children. And after all that, it turns out that Syed's turned my life upside down for nothing; you're still going back to Canada, I take it?"

"Yes, in a couple of days."

"To Eric?"

"Yea," Christian admits awkwardly. "Did Syed tell you about ...?"

"He's heartbroken. You and this Eric, it's serious?"

"Well, um," Christian stutters, not knowing how to answer. "I really am sorry about everything, the last thing we wanted to do was hurt you," he says earnestly, trying to bring the conversation back to her.

"I thought you and I were friends, but I was so naive," she says sadly.

"Amira, we were friends; if it hadn't been for Sy …"

"I'm beginning to say that a lot, for so many reasons.

"Join the club," Christian smiles, "he's a complicated guy, to say the least."

So, now that I'm no longer an obstacle, why are you walking away again? You've finally got what you wanted."

"He didn't tell you he was gay to get back with me …"

"Of course he did; you think it's a coincidence that you're back five minutes and it's all come out?"

"He was being blackmailed," Christian reminds her.

"It's very easy to deny blackmail; I was hardly going to believe a man I barely knew over my husband."

"Masood tried to get him to leave the Square for good."

"He's a grown man; no one can tell him what to do."

"Syed is not like most grown men," Christian insists, "he can be bullied; emotionally blackmailed."

"I know," she sighs. "He's so desperate to make aunty and uncle proud, to have their approval; and they know it, and constantly use it to manipulate him. I wish I could hate him for what he's done, but I can't," she admits wretchedly.

"Me neither," Christian agrees with a sad smile.

"He told me all about you and him," Amira reveals, "The way his face lights up when he talks about you; I've never seen him like that before. You know, he's talked more to me over the past few days than he's ever done. It hurts to know that I never stood a chance; that he loved you the whole time we were engaged."

"I know how it feels to lose Syed, and how bad you must be feeling right now; but I'm glad you're letting him see Jack."

"I would never keep them apart; I'd be punishing Jack as well as Syed. Jack adores his daddy so much."

"He's a gorgeous little boy," Christian tells her.

"Yea," she smiles, "at least something good came out of all this."

"I hope everything works out for you eventually, and that your find your true Syed one day."

"What about you? Are you sure you're doing the right thing by leaving?"

"I can't believe you're asking me that; did Syed …?" Christian begins in amazement.

"Yea," she interrupts. "He moved with indecent haste from being my husband to seeing me as a friend he could confide in about his troubles. Maybe I've only ever been a friend to him," she sighs.

"He's unbelievable," Christian says in exasperation.

"I got the feeling he was so relieved to finally be able to talk openly about you."

"I'm sorry …"

"You can't be sorry for everything. He has a mind of his own; although sometimes you would wonder. I wanted to give him a good slap when he first mentioned you going away and how much he wanted you to stay; I knew where he was going with it, and I ranted at him for a good 10 minutes; but he just waited until I'd run out of steam, and then begged me to help. He really is desperate to keep you here."

"If you don't mind me saying, you're coping pretty well with all this," Christian tentatively offers.

"You wouldn't say that if you'd seen me the first few hours after he broke the news. To be honest, if he'd told me after we got married, I'd have been devastated. But after spending almost a year married to a man who flinches every time you touch him, who avoids being alone with you whenever possible, and who is obviously only happy when he holds his son in his arms; you may not know what's wrong, but you know something is. I won't deny that I'm hurting so much right now, but more than anything I feel cheated of the chance to meet and fall in love with someone who would really love me for who I am, and not just because I fit the bill. I feel such a fool for not realising, for being so stupid as to let a guy do that to me."

"You're not a fool; Sy hid it so well that I was jealous of you most of the time, even though I knew the truth. I really do hope you meet someone, and fall in love again," Christian says sincerely.

"I won't try to explain to you about our Community and how they will look at me now, Syed can do it; but suffice it to say my life will be more than difficult from now on. And anyway, I couldn't imagine being with another man now; Syed was my first love, I'll never feel like that again. I'll never trust anyone so totally again."

"You're not alone, Amira; you'll always have Syed to watch out for you. He really does care for you, you know."

"I don't know anything anymore," she admits sadly.

"Amira wasn't in, so we've got this little man for a little while longer," Syed says cheerfully as he walks in the door. When he sees both of them, he looks at first surprised and then afraid. "Hi," he nervously greets them.

"You were late dropping Jack off; and I need to take him to dad's, so I came to get him," Amira explains.

"Right, sorry, we lost track of time," Syed quickly explains.

"Okay, well, we'd better get going," Amira says tensely. She takes Jack and prepares to leave.

"You could stay a while," Syed tentatively suggests.

Amira's _don't push_ _it_ look silences him. "See you tomorrow," she says bitingly, before closing the door behind her.

"What did she say? "What did you say?" he asks Christian in a rush.

"It was a bit awkward at first, but we kept it civil," he replies with a sigh.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_The following evening_

"Did some really hot guy come around selling candles?" Christian asks; as he walks in the door of the flat, and into a room lit only by the many candles dotted throughout.

"Hope you're hungry; I've made your favourite, lamb," Syed responds. He's in the kitchen with his back to him, busily cooking.

"I've actually just popped back for a shower and change of clothes," Christian finds himself fabricating, as he nervously takes in the setting: the table elaborately set for two; the bottles of wine, juice and water. the flowers; the sense of intimacy created by the candles. A musky aroma envelops him as he closes the door behind him, and the sound of Will Young playing discretely in the background completes the romantic mood.

"What have you been up to today?" Syed asks.

"Went to lunch with Rox; spent most of the afternoon in the Vic chatting to everyone."

"Sounds like a nice day."

"Yea; it was great to just hang out. Like I said, I've only come back to …"

"You'll miss it when you return to Canada," Syed suggests, as he comes out of the kitchen with two plates of steaming hot food.

Christian doesn't reply. He's suddenly finding it difficult to think of anything to say. Syed is wearing a traditional, snow-white shirt, and his hair is brushed and fixed in the neat style he usually wears for special occasions; he looks breath taking.

They sit down to eat; and Christian tries to focus on the food, but all he really wants to do is look at the beautiful man sitting opposite him. Through the haze from the candlelight, and with the trappings of modern life blurred into the background, Syed looks other worldly; like an Arabian Prince. In all the time he's known him, Syed has never been aware of how stunning he looks, but Christian senses that he knows exactly the effect he is having tonight.

"This is all very nice," he says, his voice not quite steady, "you've gone to a lot of trouble."

"We haven't got much time left," Syed remind him, his eyes fixed intently on his face.

"What have you been up to today?" Christian quickly changes the subject.

"I went to see Tam and Afia."

"How is Tam?"

"He has good and bad days. He's back working a few hours each day in the restaurant; but it's more about building up his confidence than anything else right now. Finding out Afia was pregnant has given him such a lift; he's the happiest he's been since that terrible night."

"How is Afia coping without her dad?"

"She's a very strong, very brave woman," Syed says, his voice filled with affection. "We've tried to support her as much as possible. She talks to me sometimes about what happened; she doesn't like to mention Yusef in front of Tam."

"The next time you see him, will you tell Tam I said hi?"

"Yes, of course. If you'd been here, I was going to ask if you'd like to come with me to see him this afternoon."

"I would have come," Christian assures him. "You never mentioned anything about that night in your emails. Jane said you seemed okay afterwards; but that whenever she brought it up, you only wanted to talk about how Tam, Afia and Zainab were coping.

"I'll never forget the how terrified I was," Syed admits. "Knowing dad was in there was bad enough, but seeing Tam run into that house, that ball of flames; the agony of waiting and not knowing if he was ever going to come out. And then, seeing him lying on the ground, his body covered in flames, I really thought we were going to lose him," he remembers with a shudder.

"I'm sorry you had to go through it alone," Christian says regretfully. Taking his hand, he gives it a comforting squeeze.

"Tam is the only person in our family who makes any sense; the rest of us are so emotional and irrational most of the time," Syed fondly reflects. "I always believed I'd do anything for him, but I couldn't go into that house that night to try to find him; all I could do was stand helplessly watching as the fire consumed it and everything in it. I've never felt so useless, so cowardly in my whole life. In the days and weeks that followed, I couldn't have admitted that to anyone, not even to you."

"Sy, babe, you're not a coward; you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about," Christian urgently assures him, shocked that he's been feeling this way. "There was nothing you could have done; as you said, the house was consumed by the fire by that stage."

"When I saw him run in, I remember, I immediately went to go after him, but someone stopped me; and then I couldn't … I was afraid to …"

Just imagine for a moment what would have happened if you had followed him: you would probably have lost sight of him almost immediately you were inside the house; you would probably have lost your bearings and been unable to find your way back out; and if the smoke and flames hadn't done their work, a ceiling might have collapsed on you," Christian concludes, his voice rising steadily in reprimand, as he becomes more agitated visualising what so very nearly happened.

"Maybe …"

"Definitely Sy. What's called being brave is often more about acting before you've had time to think about the risks or possible consequences of your actions. If you'd been killed that night because you'd gone in after him, Tam would have been devastated; he'd have been wracked with guilt for the rest of his life; which wouldn't have lasted very long, because as soon as I found out what had happened, I would have come back to the Square and killed him with my bare hands," he concludes passionately.

"Maybe you're right," Syed tries to reassure; offering a weak smile to back it up.

"Of course I'm right, I'm always right; I thought you'd have realised that by now," Christian replies confidently. "And because I'm right about this, you're going to count your blessings that Tam and your dad got out alive, and put the whole thing in the past where it belongs, yes?"

"Yes," Syed meekly agrees, his smile now a little surer.

"Good boy," Christian teases.

"Sometimes, we don't truly appreciate the people we love until we lose them," he suggests.

"Well you didn't lose Tam," Christian deliberately misinterprets him. "What else did you do today?" he adds abruptly; desperately trying to keep the chat general.

"Nothing much," Syed quietly responds, without breaking eye contact.

Trapped in his gaze, Christian now unexpectedly feels himself start to weaken, to finally lose the battle he's been fighting since he returned to London. He begins, maybe for the first time, to really understand just how strong this man's hold over him is. And with this understanding, comes the realisation that he's been fooling himself all this time, thinking he could move on with his life. He hadn't been able to find any happiness in Canada, because his heart had never left Walford.

"You're different tonight, calmer," he says huskily.

"I've accepted your decision," Syed explains. "I think I finally understand why you can't be with me; I let you down too many times. And each time I choose my family over you, the hurt went a little deeper, until eventually it left a permanent mark. I don't deserve you anymore; I see that now."

"Right," Christian says faintly.

"When you leave here the day after tomorrow, we may never see each other again; and I don't want our last few hours together to be fraught with tension. Our relationship will always have a special place in my heart, and I know I'll never find anything like it again. I don't think it deserved the ending it got last year, so this time we'll do it properly."

"Okay," Christian weakly responds, the wind completely knocked out of him. His head suddenly feels too heavy, and he slowly lets it drop. He knows he should be relieved that Syed is going to let him go, that it's all finally going to be over; but the only thing he is aware of is the feeling of his heart breaking all over again. Suddenly, it's all he can do to hold back his tears.

Syed reaches across the table and takes his hand. "You know, no matter who I end up with, I will never love anyone as much as I love you," he says quietly.

"Yea, me too," Christian whispers; as an image of Syed with this future guy flashes before his eyes, and he feels sick to the pit of his stomach.

"Do you fancy a coffee?" Syed asks, getting up and taking their plates. "Why don't you go and get comfy on the couch and I'll bring it over," he suggests, when Christian doesn't answer.

He obediently gets up and walks over to the couch. Syed brings the coffee after a short while, and puts it down on the little table next to him when Christian doesn't put out a hand to take it from him.

"What are you planning to do tomorrow? Will you spend most of the day with Jane?" he asks, as he sits down beside him.

"Christian, are you okay?" he adds, when he still doesn't speak.

"Yea," he whispers, his tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.

"It's going to be okay," Syed gently assures. He puts his arm around his shoulders, and Christian blindly turns into his embrace.

"You're the most important thing in the world to me," he says softly against his cheek.

"I love you," Christian responds, the words torn from him.

Neither deliberately makes the first move; but after a little while, their mouths instinctively find each other in a gentle kiss filled with love. The kiss soon, inevitably, becomes more passionate; and Syed pushes Christian back against the cushions, climbing onto his lap, his legs straddling him. His hands shake as they pull his t-shirt out of his jeans and over his head in one jerky movement. "I want you so badly, I can hardly bear it," he moans against is mouth.

"Mmmm," murmurs Christian distractedly.

"I've missed you so much. And being apart from you for so long, not being able to have this closeness, I felt a constant ache in here," he confesses; abruptly pulling back to grab Christian's hand and press it against his racing heart.

"I know babe," Christian huskily responds, attempting to adjust to the sudden change of pace. He reaches out a hand to stroke Syed's cheek, trying to soothe the tortured look from his eyes, "it's been the same for me; day after day, the same," he admits.

"Sometimes, I feel like I can't breathe, I'm not truly alive, unless I can touch you; and every time we touch, it's like an electric shock bursting through me; and I know I'll never, ever not feel like that," Syed cries, his eyes filling with tears as his passion is abruptly swamped by a different kind of emotion.

"Shush, it's okay," Christian gently tries to coax, pulling him close against him and wrapping his arms around him. "Maybe it would have been better for both of us if we'd never met," he can't help suggesting, as he thinks about how much they've both suffered.

"Don't say that, don't ever say that," Syed responds, his voice breaking over the words.

"But you broke my heart, you broke your own heart, you committed us to so much unhappiness when you pushed me away in the end," Christian wretchedly points out.

"I know," Syed miserably accepts, but he tightens his grip all the same.

"Do you still love me?" he asks tentatively after a little while.

"Of course, that'll never change," Christian instantly assures him with a smile; realising as he says the words that they are the truest he's ever spoken.

Syed slowly lifts his head and claims Christian's mouth once more; and soon their passion starts to build once more; but this time, Christian's doubts about what they are doing force him to breaks the kiss.

"Sy, I don't think I can do this," he confesses breathlessly.

"Don't think, just feel," Syed huskily responds. "I know you want this as much as I do," he adds persuasively, as he urgently places little kisses on Christian's face and neck; trying to draw him back in; to distract him, as he quickly reaches to undo the buttons on his jeans.

"Sy, please, don't," Christian hoarsely pleads, without having the strength to stop him.

"I need this," Syed whispers against his neck. "I need to feel you inside me one more time."

Christian makes a groaning sound deep in his throat. "You've tortured me from the first moment," he growls, before abruptly lifting Syed off of him and dropping him onto his back on the couch. And as Syed lies there before him; his his cheeks flushed, his gaze dark with desire; a look of anticipation on his face that Christian remembers only too well; his chest rapidly rising and falling as he tries to catch his breath; Christian wonders how he ever thought he could resist him. Reaching down, he slides his hand along Syed's cheek, burying it in his hair; and roughly tilting his head back, he pulls him towards him to crush his mouth in a bruising kiss. And yet, even as he sinks down into Syed's welcoming embrace, he has an uneasy feeling that after tonight, any slim chance he might have ever had of moving on will have been lost forever.

_The following morning_

"I love you," Syed whispers.

Christian opens his eyes and looks warily into Syed's blissfully-happy face; he is lying on his stomach, with his head resting on his folded arms, watching him.

"What time is it?" he asks.

"Still early," Syed replies, reaching out to stroke his cheek.

"I've got to go out," Christian says jerkily, pulling away from his hand and getting quickly out of bed. He turns on the shower to drown out Syed's pleas; and quickly leaves the flat to avoid any discussion.

When he returns in the evening, Syed is sitting subdued in front of the TV with the sound off.

"Where have you been?" he asks quietly.

"As it's my last day, I thought I'd spend it with Jane, Ian and the kids."

"So you're still leaving then," he says sadly.

"Yes, and I need to pack, and get to bed; I've got an early flight," Christian replies, unable to look at him. He goes to get his bag.

Syed's eyes well up as he watches him pack his stuff.

_One am in the morning_

"Can I stay with you for the rest of the night?" he begs.

Christian opens his eyes, to find himself staring into Syed's unhappy, brown ones.

"Last night was a mistake; we can't ..."

"It's our last night," Syed says tearfully.

"Okay," he weakly gives in; and Syed gets in under the quilt and burrows into the comfort of his embrace. Christian holds him as he cries, stroking his hair, unable to offer any real comfort; and he holds him as he sleeps, knowing he will remember how this feels during the long lonely nights ahead.

###

There is very little to say in the car on the way to the airport; Jack does his best, but no one's in the mood to chat.

"Will you call me when you land?" Syed asks.

"I'll call Jane."

"So you're going to go silent again."

"I can't keep in touch, it's too hard," Christian says quietly.

Syed and Jack watch him check in, and then they sit with him at a nearby cafe for a short while. Syed's and Christian's hearts are too heavy for talk.

"Jack, say 'I love you' to Christian," Syed tells his son, his voice choked with tears, as they finally stand before the escalators leading to the security check.

"Rove rou," Jack says, doing his best.

Christian looks at both of them, one a miniature of the other, looking up at him; Syed, his eyes full of tears; Jack's full of innocent curiosity; and the pain in his chest is almost unbearable. Walking away from them, from what he knows Syed is offering him, is the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life.

"I love you, too, Jack," he whispers, his voice breaking over the words. For a precious few moments, he cherishes the feeling of holding him against his chest near his beating heart; before reluctantly pressing a kiss against the top of his head and giving him back to Syed.

"Thank you for helping me with everything, for saving me, for being there for me," Syed says emotionally. And much to Christian's surprise, he puts his free arm around his neck and kisses him on the lips, in an airport full of people.

"Kiss," Jack says excitedly, "dada kiss."

Christian puts his arms protectively around both Syed and Jack, and holds them close.

"Don't go," Syed pleads, his voice tight with pain.

"I love you; I love you both," Christian whispers raggedly, tears running down his cheeks. He lets them go, turning quickly away, and walks up the escalators without looking back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 **

_A few weeks later _

"No sweetie, you have to eat so you can be big and strong like daddy," Syed tries to cajole; but Jack twists his head away each time the spoon comes anywhere near his mouth.

"Please honey," he begs, "you can play with your truck as soon as you've finished your dinner." And finally, after he does the train a few more times, the tunnel begrudgingly opens.

Once Jack has finished his dinner, he decides it's time to go home. "Mama, mama," he demands; and he has that look on his face that tells his daddy that he's working himself up into a crying fit if he doesn't get his way.

"You'll see mummy very soon, but first we're going to go and see uncle Tam and aunty Afia," Syed tells him, his voice filled with excitement to impress upon his son how great a day this is going be. "I know you love your uncle Tam and aunty Afia," he temptingly reminds him. "You'll see mama very soon, I promise," he desperately tries to assure, as Jack's bottom lip starts to wobble dangerously; "in an hour," he lies recklessly, even as he realises that this won't mean anything to his son.

But Jack abruptly decides that this sounds good enough; he accepts his bear and his truck, and a kiss on the cheek, and is soon happily playing on his play mat.

For Syed, the episode is not so easily forgotten. In the beginning, Jack would start asking for his mum if he were away from her for more than a couple of hours; but the more he got used to the routine of it just being him and his daddy for long periods, the less often it happened. Nevertheless, each time he started to miss her, each time he wanted to go home to her, Syed would be crushed; he never got used to it. When he mentioned it to Amira, she couldn't resist reminding him that if he'd spent more time at home with his son from the beginning instead of hiding at work to avoid her, Jack wouldn't find it so strange being separated from her now. And even though she was just having a dig (something that still happened, but less and less often as she also adjusted to the new order of things), Syed couldn't help but once more reflect on the terrible mess he'd made of everything.

###

"Hey my little man," Tamwar says happily, getting up and coming over as soon as they walk in the door. "How's my favourite nephew?" he asks, taking Jack in his arms and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Jack reaches up with both hands to grab his cheeks, and starts babbling excitedly to let him know how happy he is to see him.

"How are you doing?" Tamwar asks Syed, his voice filled with concern when he sees how tired he looks.

"I'm fine," Syed replies, smiling widely at him.

"Don't do that, you'll scare Jack," he teases.

"Hey bro," Afia greets with a friendly smile, as she comes in from the kitchen with a tray of drinks. She gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, before taking Jack off Tamwar and walking back out of the room.

"I wasn't finished with him," Tamwar grumbles, making Syed laugh.

"How are things with you?" he asks casually.

"I feel a bit achy in this cold weather, but otherwise pretty good"

"Have you seen mum and dad recently?"

"No," Tamwar snaps, "and I don't want to."

"Tam, please don't fall out with them on my account," Syed begs.

"The way they treated you was disgraceful. I can barely stand to look at them right now," he responds, his voice hardening.

"Do they know the good news?"

"Afia went around to tell them, but she didn't stay long. Have you spoken to Christian?"

"No, the last contact I had with him was when he texted to say he'd landed safely."

"Maybe it's for the best, a clean break," Tamwar tries, but gets an impatient glare for his troubles.

"What about you; are you still walking on air?" Syed asks.

"Yea, it's all so hard to take in. It feels like only yesterday I was an Oxford rejectee living in a box room in my parent's house, who couldn't get a girl if my life depended on it; and now I'm married to the most amazing woman, I'm running my own restaurant; and on top of everything else, I'm going to be a dad."

"Once you get started, you really don't hang about, baby bro," Syed says with a smile.

"I'd love it if you could be as lucky," Tamwar admits.

"Maybe someday," he replies unconvincingly.

"I wish you'd been able to confide in me about what you were going through," he adds sadly.

"Things weren't so bad until James found out," Syed says with a shrug.

"I mean about you being gay; I wish you could have talked to me about it. How long have you known?"

"Um, well, pretty much since puberty," Syed mumbles.

"Well, I'm glad," Tamwar says brightly, suddenly realising he's brought them to an awkward place.

"Glad?" Syed asks.

"I mean, not that you're gay."

"No?"

"Yes, yes of course I am; I'd be happy no matter what you were," Tamwar protests; beads of perspiration breaking out on his forehead. "I mean, I'm glad that you no longer have to hide it, that you can be completely honest with everyone."

"Thank you," Syed says with a smile. "Having you on my side is the most important thing."

"Well, I've always been on your side. I hated it when you had to head off to Leeds all on your own back then; I was so lonely without you, and so worried about you," Tamwar confesses, his voice choked with tears; as his emotions, which are never very far from the surface these days, get the better of him. "I've looked up to you ever since I can remember," he manages to add.

"And now I look up to you," Syed says, leaning over to give him a hug.

"Every time I see you two these days, you're hugging," Amira says with mock-annoyance, as she returns with some pre-dinner snacks.

"We're not just bros, we're bffs," Tamwar tells her, as he discretely wipes away his tears. "That means 'best friends forever'," he explains to his brother.

"I know," Syed tells him solemnly.

"When you've finished gossiping, you can come and help me and Jack with the dinner," Amira suggests with a smile before leaving them alone once more.

#######################

_The following month_

"I'm not in the mood," Christian admits with a sigh.

"You haven't been in the mood since you got back," Eric complains. "We never see you anymore."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't have gone back there; it's undone all you've managed to achieve over the past year."

"Listen, I've got to go. I've got some shopping to do, Jane's arrives tomorrow," Christian replies, his voice brightening a little. "Have a good trip; talk to you when you get back," he adds, pressing the 'end call' button.

The following day, he's up early and has the apartment all prepared by the time he needs to leave for the airport.

###

"Hey sis," he greets with a big smile, when Jane walks into the arrivals hall. "And hey you," he adds weakly, when Syed appears.

"Oh, yea, sorry, forgot to tell you, Syed offered to come with me to keep me company," Jane tells him, her face a picture of innocence.

"I'm only here because Jane mentioned she was coming over, and I didn't want her travelling alone so soon after coming out of hospital," Syed quickly explains, before Christian can comment; "and I thought it would be nice to see where my mate lives and works, and I've never been to Canada," he adds, giving the list of excuses he came up with on the plane.

"Right, sure, of course," Christian says automatically. "Welcome to Canada," he adds belatedly, slapping him on the shoulder in a matey gesture."

Jane bites her lip to keep from laughing at the scene in front of her.

She ends up doing most of the talking on the drive back to the apartment; Syed is busy looking all around him in wonderment, and Christian is looking at the road almost as much as he's looking at Syed.

Somewhere between the airport and the apartment, after the shock of seeing him again has worn off a little, Christian has time to wonder how he's going to get through the week. And then it comes to him that he is going to have the two most important people in the world to him, all to himself for seven whole days. So he decides to forget about all their problems, and just enjoy Syed's company; and show him and Jane all around his new home, and hopefully give them a holiday to remember. And at the end of the week, he will say goodbye to Syed for the very last time.

When they pull up outside the apartment, Syed starts to look a bit anxious. "Do you live alone?" he asks.

"Yea," Christian responds. "Eric lives about a 15-minute drive away, and he's away on business until the end of the week," he reveals, putting his mind at ease.

After he's shown them where they are to sleep, Christian makes them some dinner, and fills them in on what he's been up to. Jane chats about what's been going on in her life; about how she's almost fully recovered after the accident, apart from the odd headache and a few twinges here and there, and about Ian's efforts to bring the driver of the car to justice. As Syed listens to their chatter, he tries to figure out what he's going to do. The decision to come with Jane had been made impulsively after he'd found out from Ian that she was planning the trip. He hadn't thought beyond getting to Canada; he hadn't thought about what he would do once he arrived. Christian is being friendly, but he can't read into his behaviour anything more than that. And as he sees how relaxed and happy he is in his new home, he starts to feel that he's made a huge mistake.

Feeling a little jetlagged, Jane heads to bed early, leaving the mates awkwardly alone.

"So, how are things?" Christian finally asks when Syed sits looking at his hands without saying a word for an awkwardly long period of time.

"Fine," Syed replies.

"Care to elaborate?" he asks in an amused voice.

"Well, Amira isn't giving me any problems about seeing Jack, and since James' departure, everything at work has settled. And Tam and Afia are being really supportive; they keep inviting me over for dinner; and Afia has managed to keep her "So if you're gay, does that mean ...?" type questions to a minimum. So, everything is fine, as I said," he responds defensively.

"And have you spoken to Masood or Zainab?"

"No."

"Are you happy?" Christian asks tentatively.

"Yes," Syed snaps.

"That sounded convincing."

"Amira and I have an agreement on my having access to both Jack and our new baby when he or she arrives, and that's all I care about; that makes me happy," Syed insists.

"So why are you here?" Christian asks.

"I've never been to Canada," he reminds him, angrily.

"Yea, so you said," Christian smiles. He goes to pour himself a glass of wine, allowing Syed time to wonder why he's being so hostile towards him.

"I hope you don't mind me just showing up like this," he offers when he returns, trying to make amends.

"No, of course not," Christian lies. "How's Jack?"

"He's great," Syed says, finally gives him a smile. "Up to all kinds of mischief if he gets half a chance, you can't turn your back on him for a minute. He's not going to know himself when his new baby brother or sister arrives and he has to share the attention."

"And Amira?"

"She's well."

"Are you and she getting on okay?"

"Yea, probably better than we've ever done. I find it so much easier to talk to her now, and she's slowly getting used to us just being friends."

"I'm glad," Christian admits.

"I've missed you," Syed says quietly.

"You're probably tired, so I'll let you get to bed," Christian abruptly ends the conversation.

###

Over the next few days, Christian brings Jane and Syed around all the sights.

They visit the Vancouver Aquarium, Canada's largest marine science centre, and are completely enchanted by all the wonderful animals they see. They get a behind-the-scenes look at the habitats of the belugas, dolphins, sea otters, Amazon birds, Steller sea lions and sea turtles; and Syed is thrilled to get the chance to feed a friendly dolphin, as Christian looks on delightedly. And when Christian starts to tear up on hearing the story of the rescue and rehabilitation of a sea turtle he's become particularly attached to, Syed puts his arm around him, and gives him a tissue to wipe away his tears; all the while talking quietly to him until he is rewarded with a watery smile. This little moment between them, and all the other little moments of friendship and love they've shown each other without being aware of it, are witnessed by Jane. During the past year, she has formed a close bond with both of them, allowing them to confide in her about their unhappiness. And, knowing all she knows, and seeing them together now, even though it can only be about friendship; she can honestly say that in her whole life, she has never seen two people more in love.

One morning, they walk across the Capilano Suspension Bridge (which is 230 feet above the Capilano river), and explore the beautiful West Coast Rainforest on the other side. Jane notices that Syed is in the habit of taking Christian's hand as they walk around, and Christian instinctively looks for Syed's reaction to every amazing new sight they come across. "This is their first holiday together," she realises sadly.

They spend a day exploring the Metropolis at Metrotown, a huge Shopping Mall located just outside of downtown Vancouver.

Syed's initial awkwardness melts away, as he gets caught up in everything. The last thing he expected when he decided to come to Canada was that he would have an amazing holiday, and each evening he is full of talk about all they've seen and done that day. Christian finds fresh joy in everything, experiencing it all through his enthusiasm.

Jane has the thought that Christian didn't bring her to all these sights on her previous two trips.

Then one evening, Syed gets a text from Tamwar offering to pick him up from the airport when he gets back to England in a couple of days, and the fun stops.

"Get a shift on you guys, dinner's almost ready," Christian calls up the stairs, jolting him out of his depressing thoughts.

He finishes getting dressed and goes down.

"I think someone's a little tired tonight," Jane teasingly nudges him, when he remains uncharacteristically quiet throughout the meal.

"Might have something to do with trying to fit in a visit to every shop in the Mall," Christian laughs.

"Yea, there were so many shops, it got confusing in the end," he mumbles his excuses; and as soon as they've finished eating, he pleads tiredness and heads off to bed.

###

I think its hit him that the holiday is almost over," Jane muses, as she and Christian sit on the couch having a glass of wine.

"Yea," he wearily agrees; his heart heavy.

"Is there no way ...?"

"No," he snaps defensively, abruptly ending the conversation by getting up and going to get ready for bed.

A couple of hours later, he gets up to use the bathroom; and when he returns Syed is sitting on his bed.

"I can't sleep," he says by way of explanation.

"Right," Christian responds uneasily.

"Can I sleep in here with you?" he asks, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"No, no Sy, not possible, no way," Christian stammers, the very idea bringing him out in a cold sweat.

"Please Christian," he huskily pleads.

"Eric is coming back tomorrow," Christian reluctantly uses his shield.

"Why do you hurt me like this? How long are you going to keep punishing me?" Syed cries.

"You said you understood, you said you'd accepted we couldn't be together," Christian desperately reminds him.

"Fine, FINE, if that's what you want; but just remember that that was your very last chance," he shouts angrily. Jumping up off the bed, he and storms past him and out the door; banging it behind him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 **

"Can I help you?" Eric asks, when Syed simply stares at him without speaking.

"Are you Eric, Christian's boyfriend?"

"You're a friend of Christian's? Wait, 'boyfriend'…?"

"I'm Syed, and I'd like ..."

"Syed? THE SYED?" Eric asks in amazement, "from London?"

"Yes, and I'd like to have a word with you about Christian."

"Okay," he replies unsurely.

"Sure, of course, please come in," he adds after a short, slightly awkward, pause. Stepping back, he allows Syed to enter and shows him into a large, bright sitting room. "Please have a seat," he offers, gesturing to a very comfortable looking couch with a very big and very relaxed-looking dog curled up on a rug in front of it. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No thanks," Syed replies stiffly, without taking up the offer to sit. "Has Christian told you he's decided to move back to London?" he asks; needing to get the conversation started before he loses his nerve completely.

"No, he didn't," Eric admits, handing him a glass of juice. "Please sit down," he requests a little more forcefully, and Syed finds himself doing as he's told.

"When he was in London after Jane's accident, he came to see me; he told me he still loves me," Syed gets to the point. "I felt you should know the truth," he adds nervously when Eric doesn't respond.

"I see," Eric responds, in what he hopes is a suitably grave tone.

Having braced himself for a slightly more forceful response, Syed isn't sure what to do next. "We've talked on the phone every day since he returned to Canada; I've come over for a visit because Christian asked me to ... for a holiday … so that we could have more time alone together before we have to face everyone back in London … together," he haltingly explains, the words sounding unconvincing even to his own ears. "I'm sorry to drop this on you so unexpectedly; when Christian admitted that he hadn't yet explained the situation to you … I didn't think it was fair … I felt you should know …," he trails off.

"That's very good of you," Eric politely replies. "Does Christian know you're here?"

"That's not important …,"

"If he were sat in the next room right now, listening to all this bulls*it, what do you think his reaction would be?" Eric abruptly changes tone, his voice taking on a steely quality

"If you don't believe me, why don't you ask him; call him right now," Syed angrily challenges. "Christian loves me; and no matter what you do, that's never going to change. Of course, if you think you can cope with being in a relationship where you know you're the consolation prize …" he lets the sentence hang; and, banging his glass down on the table, attempts to get up.

"Why would Christian want to return to a life he was forced to abandon after you so cruelly broke his heart?" Eric demands, pushing him non-too gently back down. "Why would he want to return to a man who was prepared to let his parents shower him with abuse; treat him like some kind of second-class citizen?"

"He loves …"

"You dare to come here to try to ruin our relationship, to try to ruin the life Christian has tried to make for himself because you told him he wasn't good enough for you," Eric continues furiously. "Have you so quickly forgotten that barely a year ago you left him, this man you were supposed to love, with little option but to walk away from his family, his friends, everything he cared about?"

Syed looks longingly after the dog; who, thinking he's being told off, has jumped up and is scampering out the door to freedom.

"Do you have any idea the state Christian was in when I first met him after he arrived in Canada?" Eric barks.

"No," Syed obediently responds.

"He walked into my local one night, sat alone at a table tucked away in the corner and proceeded to get drunk. I noticed him straight away because he looked like everyone belonging to him had just died."

"Please ..."

"The first few times he came in, I left him alone," Eric continues, "and then one night we got talking, and he told me he'd just left London after a failed love affair. He couldn't say any more about it because it was still too raw, but I could see he was emotionally on his last legs."

"I never meant ..."

"After you dumped him, did you give a moment's thought to what it might do to him, to what might happen to him?"

"I didn't just dump him …"

"One night, he admitted that he needed to get a job; that he was going through his savings at an alarming rate," Eric cuts across him. "I gave him a try out at my gym; and when a vacancy came up a few weeks later, I offered him the job.

The first time I got him to talk about you, he painted this picture of a relationship which was doomed from the start because you were already committed to someone else, and because of your family's religious beliefs. But from passing comments he's made since, it's clear that you weren't committed to your girlfriend when you started your relationship with him; that you got engaged and married to a girl you didn't love; and that you got her pregnant to have a child which you hoped would make your life a little more bearable. So, not only did you break Christian's heart, you condemned an innocent girl to a loveless marriage."

"I should probably be going now," Syed mumbles, without moving.

"If you love Christian so much, why didn't you come for him before now?"

"I wasn't sure if he would want to see me; he never answered any of my calls or emails. I was afraid that he hated me. I didn't know if he'd met someone …"

"And yet here you are now, trying to stir things up."

"Like I said," Syed vainly tries to explain, "when Christian was in London, he told me that …," he trails off; realising he's about to repeat himself, and sensing that the more often he says it the less impression he is making on Eric. "I've told my wife that I'm gay to prove to Christian how much I love him," he offers.

"Really?" responds Eric with a smile. "So your admission had nothing to do with you being blackmailed, then?"

"Well, yes, there was this guy ...," Syed is forced to acknowledge, "but if it hadn't been for Christian, I wouldn't have had the courage ... He told me he will always love me, and that he's only with you for companionship."

"And don't forget the amazing sex," Eric can't help teasing.

"Right, that's enough," Syed shouts, jumping up; a nerve well and truly hit. "I didn't come here to argue or explain myself to you; and as I've said all I came to say, I'll be going," he growls, before turning to walk out.

"If Christian was really prepared to give you another chance, you wouldn't need to come here," Eric considers. "My guess is, he hasn't yet agreed to move back to London, and my being out of the picture would make things a lot easier for you …" he lets the glimmer of hope hang in the air.

Syed's stops walking.

"Did you really think all you had to do was tell me he loves you, and I'd roll over?" he asks disbelievingly.

"No," Syed lies.

"So why don't you sit back down, and we'll start again."

Syed finds himself doing as he's told once more.

"You know you, your mum, your dad; you really did a number on Christian. He was in a very dark place when I found him. I got the impression at the time that he didn't really care what happened to him."

"I didn't mean to hurt him, I really didn't," Syed says huskily.

"Why don't you tell me what you did mean to do, back in 2009 before you married that poor girl?"

"None of this is any of your business," Syed mumbles; as he wonders how a conversation, which he'd assumed would be short and end abruptly with him getting the front door slammed in his face, got to this point.

"Nevertheless, I would be very interested to hear your take on what happened," Eric insists.

"I made so many mistakes," he confesses after a little while, his eyes finding a window overlooking a beautiful garden at the front of the house. "When I was 20, my dad forced me to move away from home after I recklessly lost a large sum of money and ruined our family business. I didn't see my family again for four years; it was a really difficult time for me. When they finally allowed me to come home, I vowed that I would do anything I could to redeem myself, to make them proud of me again."

"Go on," Eric encourages, when he hesitates.

"Whilst I was away, I'd had a couple of one-night stands with guys; but returning home was meant to be a fresh start, I was going to put all that behind me and settle down with the right girl; I was no longer going to give into temptation. And then I met Christian.

I really did try to resist him; and in the end, it was in the middle of an argument … he got too close, he was holding my arm, looking into my eyes … that intense, hypnotic gaze … when he looks at you like that, you can't think straight, or at least not about anything important … it wasn't a conscious decision to kiss him, it just happened … I was worried afterwards that he might be indiscreet, tell his friend, Roxy … that it might accidentally get back to my parents."

"A one-off was all you were interested in?"

"It was all I could be interested in."

"That's not really an answer."

"I wanted him more than any guy I'd ever met," Syed murmurs, blushing at the admission, "and getting to know him, discovering that he was such a great guy, only made things more complicated. He got on really well with my parents; and watching the friendly banter they enjoyed, seeing how easy and relaxed they were around him, gave me such a warm feeling.

And after we kissed that first time … that night … it was more than I ever imagined it could be … the little experience I'd had … I had no idea it could be like that …," Syed breaks off, remembering he's not alone. "But there was just no way things could go any further," he concludes.

"Christian didn't see it that way?"

"The last thing I expected was that he would want more. Every conversation we'd had led me to believe that a relationship was the last thing he would be interested in. But after that night … I was shocked when he started pressurising me and dropping hints to Amira. I didn't know what to do; I felt sick at the thought of how far he might go."

"It must have been some night for someone as experienced as Christian, if he was so desperate to get you that you had to propose to your girlfriend to put him off?"

"Um, well, it wasn't just the once," Syed murmurs sheepishly. "We … it happened again ..."

"So you did give him some encouragement, maybe some mixed messages?"

"Maybe," Syed admits.

"Getting engaged was a bit extreme?"

"I was terrified of what Christian might do if he thought there was a chance for us. I knew him well enough by then to know that he didn't understand or like any form of deceit. And he really didn't get how serious it would be for me if the truth of my sexuality got out."

"But at that point it was just about the physical side of things for you; you weren't in love with him?"

"No, it was too soon; I mean, I felt something … I felt vulnerable in a way I'd never felt before; I was pushing him away, but … it was so hard to do the sensible thing … I don't think I was in love … not very much, maybe not completely …"

"Okay," Eric says with a smile, "so you get engaged, what happens next?"

"At my engagement party, Christian and I had a horrible fight. No matter what I said, he wouldn't let it go. My family, people from our Mosque, my fiancée; they were all in the next room. Fear of what might happen if I couldn't get him to leave made me lash out; I said some very hurtful things … I didn't really understand back then just how much I could hurt him. I didn't get how involved he already was … After he left the party, he went to a bar and picked up some random guy who beat him up pretty badly.

When I found out the next day, I had to go to him; I needed to know if he was okay, if he needed anything. He was really shaken up by what had happened. I couldn't bear to leave him to deal with everything alone," he protests, his voice defensive.

"Of course you couldn't," Eric allows.

"Over the following weeks and months, we became really close."

"And in all that time, you never for a moment thought about maybe taking a chance on a life with him?

"I once come close to admitting everything: I'd researched online the subject of being gay and Muslim, and was surprised to discover that there were others in my position who had been able to reconcile their faith and sexuality; knowing this gave me the courage to approach the Imam at our Mosque to ask for religious guidance on the matter.

"But he couldn't offer you a way out?"

"No, his advice was to keep busy and avoid bringing shame on my family."

"So that was it?"

"Well, no, not altogether. Although I didn't come out at that time, I was no longer completely closed off to the possibility that God might accept me as a gay man; I began to feel a little easier, less guilty, about what I was doing. For the first time, I began to consider that maybe it wasn't the wrath of God I risked by acting on my feelings, but that of his misguided representatives on earth. And over time I came to understand that if Allah chose to create me this way, then it could not be a sin for me to love a man and to express that love; looking back now, it seems ridiculous that I ever thought differently."

"But at the time, you still weren't sure enough to take a stand?"

"If I'd had the smallest hope that my parents wouldn't reject me, then I might have been able to; but I knew … When I was with Christian, when it was just the two of us in his flat, I was so happy. But I needed my family, too … I loved them, too; and I already knew how it felt to lose them."

"Whilst you were moving on as a newly-married man, did you ever think about how Christian might be coping; what would happen to him?"

"No one had ever loved me before; and I couldn't quite believe that someone as confident and full of life as Christian could really have such strong and lasting feelings for me. I convinced myself that he'd be okay eventually, that he'd forget about me one day."

"And what about you; were you really making this huge sacrifice for everyone else's sake, or were you in fact relieved to have the excuse to take the easy way out?"

"Being married to Amira was anything but easy. Because I'd never been intimate with a woman before my marriage, the realisation that I don't have a hetro bone in my body came as quite a shock. I really struggled to be a proper husband to her," Syed confesses; his feeling of shame at having to admit this is still so very strong. His eyes stray enviously back to the window looking out onto the beautiful garden where the dog who had so quickly deserted him earlier is now lying asleep.

"Maybe you should have followed your mother's example," Eric suggests. "She was a married woman living as part of a religious Community; but she had the courage to follow her heart, even though she lost everything and had to move away to be with her Christian."

"You know a lot about my life," Syed notes.

"Christian is a proper chatterbox when he's drunk," Eric explains with a smile.

"Yea," Syed fondly remembers.

"If Christian had been prepared to stay a secret, part-time lover, would you have been relieved?

If you're trying to come up with an answer you think I would want to hear, don't bother," he adds, when Syed doesn't immediately respond. "I'll know if you're lying."

"My parents were so proud of me," Syed reluctantly concedes, "I was doing everything right for once, I was the golden boy again: they sought my advice in matters to do with the business, which meant that they'd started to trust me again; I was right at the centre of our family; I had my parents' respect. I couldn't bear to disappoint them again. I wanted so much have Christian in my life; but if no one knew about us, if I could have kept living a double life ... When it was just me and Christian, I was so sure of what I wanted; but when I was back with my family … I knew I would lose them the minute I admitted I was gay. Can you imagine how you would feel if your parents stopped speaking to you, if they never spoke to you again?"

"It would break my heart," Eric admits.

"In the end, I chose my family over Christian; but it doesn't mean that I didn't love him with all my heart, that it didn't tear me apart to do it."

"Did you make it clear to him that a secret relationship was all you might ever be able to offer him?"

"I tried to avoid talking about the future in any concrete way, but I knew he wasn't happy with the way things were."

"You, on the other hand, had it all: everyone loving you, fussing over you; so you kept lying to everyone."

"Lying to people, or fudging the truth, was something I'd done pretty much my whole life. When you're brought up in a strict religious environment, you learn to hide things. I presented one face to my parents, and another very different one to Christian; and, before Christian, to the very odd person the very odd time in the very dark clubs with music loud enough to drown out my guilty thoughts."

"And what Christian wanted didn't matter?"

"I'd like to be able to tell you it did; but to be honest, when it came down to it, I don't think I had the courage back then to take such a huge step. Wherever I looked, I could see all I was going to lose by choosing him; and in the end, I lost sight of us, me and Christian, and how important our relationship was. Maybe I was just as big an obstacle to us being together as my parents; I'd been brought up to see my life a certain way, and 20-odd years of grooming wasn't going to be swept away in a few months."

"And what's changed?"

"I've lived without Christian for a year."

"And …"

"And I just can't afford to care anymore about what anyone thinks is right or wrong. Knowing your parents are proud of you is small comfort when you're crying yourself to sleep at night. At one time or another during the past year, I've felt anger and resentment towards everyone I care about, I've blamed them for Christian leaving. My relationship with my family is tainted; I can't be a good father, brother, Muslim; a good anything, without Christian. But I know I deserved the misery I brought on myself; I acted selfishly; I did what I thought was best for me, for my family; I did what was best for everyone apart from the people who really should have really mattered, the most vulnerable people, Christian and Amira," he finally admits with a sigh.

"Now that you've come out, and ended your marriage, are your parents no longer proud of you?"

"No, they can't bear to look at me now. I don't know if they will ever forgive me."

"That's tough."

"Yea," he says quietly.

"Do you think you could return to London with a boyfriend; walk into your local with him, deal with any negative reactions?

"Yes."

"I thought we were being honest …"

"I've had such a lot of time to think about this; I've tried to imagine how it would go, and I honestly don't think it would be such a big deal," Syed insists. "The rumour has already spread that I've split with Amira, and most people probably already know the reason; but the world hasn't come to an end. There have been whispers, and one or two comments; but, apart from my parents, no one seems to care."

"It always amazes me how people we barely know, may never even have met, can be so arrogant as to think they have the right to force us to live our lives according to their rules."

"Yea, for sure," Syed agrees. "Your parents, they've been difficult?"

"No, they're great; always supported me," Eric can honestly respond, having witnessed their loving support for his younger brother.

"The way I live my life, it's so unimportant in the grand scheme of things," Syed considers. "If someone has a go at me for being gay; my parents, someone from my Community, the locals … they'll be bothered about someone else tomorrow. People get bored, they forget pretty quickly. It really isn't a big deal, is it?" he concludes; and as he looks up at Eric for the first time, his face relaxes a little and he manages a tentative smile.

"No, it isn't," Eric gently assures him. "If you got another chance, would you take better care of Christian?"

"Yes, I would; I'd never hurt him again, or ever let anyone else hurt him," Syed eagerly assures.

"And if you could see that it's better for him to stay here in Canada, would you love him enough to let him go?"

"What, No?" Syed cries shocked. "No of course not, we're meant to be together, I love him, I …"

"Okay, okay, I guess it was too much to ask," Eric responds with a wry smile. "You still have a way to go on your journey towards true selflessness in love."

"I can't afford to be selfless or proud when it comes to Christian, he's too important to me," Syed argues. "I know I've made a mess of things, but …"

"Yea, you're a bit of a nightmare, aren't you?" Eric gently teases. Having hated him for the past year, he is surprised to find himself reluctantly starting to like this mixed up guy after only a little while talking to him; he can see why Christian is so smitten.

"You're not going to let him go, are you?" Syed says quietly. "It doesn't matter what I say."

"Well …," Eric says, without knowing how to continue.

"It's okay; you love him, I can understand that," Syed concedes with a sad smile. "I should go," he adds miserably, getting up.

"There's no rush. Are you hungry, have you eaten? If you hang about for a bit; before you arrived I was about to prepare lunch."

"Thank you, but I've got to get back; I've been here too long as it is," Syed replies, glancing at his watch and worriedly noting the time.

"If you're sure … it's no trouble. We wouldn't have to talk about Christian, unless you wanted to."

But Syed regretfully shakes his head, "I need to get back before Christian and Jane return from sightseeing."

"How are you getting back? Let me drive you; my pick-up's in the garage; and my wife, my brother's wife, my sister-in-law, took the other car, but she'll be back soon."

"Thank you for the offer, but there's no need; I've got the number of the taxi driver who dropped me off," he assures.

"Well, I can honestly say that it's been really nice meeting you; and before today, I never would have expected to be saying that," Eric admits as he walks with him to the door. "It's a shame it couldn't have been under different circumstances."

"Yea," Syed agrees. "I won't say it's been the easiest conversation I've ever had, but I feel better for talking to you. And I'm glad Christian's with someone who truly cares for him," he adds, his voice wobbling slightly.

"Now that you're no longer hiding from your true self, you'll find someone who will care for you, too," Eric confidently assures him.

"Will you tell him I came here?"

"I won't say anything," Eric puts his mind at rest.

"And will you end your relationship with him?" he can't help asking one more time.

"I love him," Eric says quietly; sensing that Christian would want him to keep up the pretence of their having a relationship.

"Okay," Syed sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He suddenly feels emotionally drained; and needs all the strength he can muster to walk away.

###

"Where did you get to?" Christian asks when he arrives back at the apartment.

"Um, nowhere, the park, a walk," Syed mumbles, his face a picture of guilt. "You're back early; I thought you were going to be gone until late afternoon."

"Jane started to feel a bit tired, so we decided to come back early," Christian explains, a questioning note in his voice.

"Yea, right, well, good. Can I borrow your laptop? Thanks," Syed says, quickly walking past him and up the stairs.

"Sy, wait," Christian calls after him in a panic. He runs up the stairs, and manages to catch up with him as he opens the door to enter his bedroom. "What do you need to look up? I can do it for you," he urgently suggests, before noticing that his laptop is lying open on his bed. "What's going on? Have you already been on my laptop?" he demands.

"No," Syed squeaks.

"Syed, how dare you go near my private property without asking me first," he shouts, outraged.

"You've got a picture of me and Jack as your screen saver," Syed accuses.

"You have no right ..."

"You don't have a password on your computer," Syed counters with a shrug, as if that excuses everything.

"You went through my private things; even if we were together, you would have no right to do that," Christian furiously responds.

"It must mean something that you've kept all my emails."

"It means nothing," he snaps, quickly walking over to shut the laptop, after the horse has bolted.

"Please Christian, you don't need to fight against me anymore ..."

"As it's her last night in Canada, Eric and I are taking Jane out for dinner and to a club, and you're not welcome to join us," Christian angrily informs him.

"Eric?"

"Yea, I've just spoken to him; he got back this morning, and I can't wait to see him."

"Please don't," Syed begs, his voice breaking. "He reaches out to him."

"No, enough," Christian cries hoarsely. He goes to stomp out, but then realises they're in his bedroom. "Get out of my room," he orders.

Syed doesn't see him again until they're about to leave for the restaurant.

"Of course Syed must come," Jane says incredulously.

"Yea, of course I must come," Syed hisses, a determined gleam in his eye that only Christian can see.

###

_The last dance_

"Hya luv," cries Eric as soon as he sees him; and Christian barely has time to get up off his chair before he flings himself into his arms. "I've missed you so much my little honey bunny," he gushes, giving him a big kiss.

"Hi," Christian says through gritted teeth, trying to hide his annoyance at Eric being such a smart arse. "Sy, this is Eric," he introduces them.

"Hi, nice to finally meet you," Syed lies awkwardly, reaching out to shake his hand.

"Oh my God, you too," Eric says eagerly, ignoring his hand and pulling him into a crushing hug, and kissing him on both cheeks. "You look so different from what I imagined," he says, looking him up and down. "Sweetie, I thought you said he was hot?" he adds, throwing a mischievous look over his shoulder at Christian.

"What's everyone drinking?" Christian asks sharply, gesturing to the waiter.

"Jane, darling, how've you been; it's great to see you again; I was afraid I wouldn't get back before you left," Eric greets a giggling Jane with a big hug and a kiss. As he sits down beside Christian, he gives him a loving look.

"Tone It Down," Christian hisses in his ear, under the pretence of giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Syed sees the affection between them, and is totally gutted. He is so upset, he fails to twig that Eric's personality seems to have changed quite a bit from when he visited him earlier in the day.

Dinner is a slightly stilted affair, with Jane and Eric doing most of the talking. Everyone, apart from Eric, has their own reason for being out of sorts: Christian is miserable partly because it's Jane's last night; but the painful pressure in his chest which has been a constant companion over the last couple of days, has everything to do with the fact that it is getting closer to the time when Syed will leave. Jane is miserable because she's going to be leaving her brother; since her accident, her whole outlook on life has changed, and she now has this powerful need to have the people she loves around her; so saying goodbye this time will be harder than ever. Syed's mood is swinging between wanting to cry and wanting to punch Eric and Christian (and the waiter, who has been making eyes at Christian) – his nerves are stretched to breaking point.

The tension ratchets up a notch once they arrive at the club. Syed has hardly spoken a word all evening. He knows that time is slipping away from him, and that after tomorrow it might be a lot longer than a year before he sees Christian again. He knows he has to do something, anything to try to get him to change his mind.

"Let's dance," he suggests to Jane, before she's taken more than a sip from her drink. The thought of having to listen to any more of Eric's mindless chatter, or of having to watch him flirting outrageously with Christian, is more than Syed can bear. He drags Jane out onto the dance floor, and they dance up a storm; or more precisely, Jane dances up a storm, Syed isn't actually mad about dancing.

Christian grimly watches them; he knows exactly what's going on in Syed's head, and he's feeling just as desperate; the only difference being that the idea of putting himself at Syed's mercy once more terrifies him even more than losing him. He knows how low he sunk the last time Syed let him down, how close he was to giving up. He made himself a promise back then that he would never again let Syed be a part of his life; and no matter how much they might both want it, he won't.

"Please Jane, one more song," Syed begs, after they've been dancing for a while.

"I need a drink," she protests, pulling her hand out of his grip.

"I'll dance with you," a voice behind him offers. Syed turns to find a handsome, blond guy looking at him with a very interested gaze.

"Um, no thanks," he automatically refuses, but then changes his mind. "Actually, okay, why not; my name is Syed," he offers with a friendly smile.

"I'm Jake," they guy responds, returning his smile.

Christian watches them chatting, sees the way the guy is casually moving closer; touching Syed's arm, his shoulder; letting his hand rest a little too long on his back when he leans in to whisper something in his ear. He knows what's happening, and can't help letting it affect him.

When Jake's hands slide around him and press against his lower back, pulling him tight against him; and when he looks deep into his eyes, Syed knows what's going to happen next; but he doesn't stop the kiss, he returns it with interest. He doesn't stop Jake's hands sliding down to grab his bum; he raises his arms and slides them around his neck. He can feel Christian's gaze boring into his back.

"Hey," Jake cries, as Syed is yanked out of his arms. He starts to reach out, but thinks better of it when he sees the thunderous look in the other guy's eyes.

Syed lets himself be dragged off the dance floor and out into a darker part of the club; into the shadows.

"You little bitch," Christian says thickly, as he throws him up against the wall. His mouth, his body, at first punish, using his strength to dominate; and then, as he meets no resistance, as Syed completely submits to him; the familiarity of the taste and smell of his mate, the softness of his skin overwhelm him; and soon his only thought is to please, to possess, to remind Syed that he can only ever truly belong to him.

"Are you okay?" he whispers raggedly against his neck afterwards.

"Yes," Syed breathlessly assures him.

Pulling back and cupping his face, he looks deep into his eyes; and wonders one more time why this man standing in front of him can get to him in a way no other man ever could.

"I love you," Syed whispers.

"I love you, too," Christian can't help admitting. He claims his mouth once more, and they lose themselves in a deep, searching kiss; less hurried, more intense.

"Sy, this doesn't change anything," he forces himself to say when they eventually stop to draw breath. "I can't go back to London with you."

"But we love each other; we should be together," Syed softly pleads. "I once let you think you weren't enough for me, but it was me who wasn't enough. I was weak; I didn't deserve you because I was too weak to fight for us. I thought I could make a choice between you and my baby; but I know now that to be a good father, I need to be happy, and I can't be happy without you. Please give me one more chance."

"I can't," Christian whispers miserably. He goes to release him, but Syed tightens his grip.

"Sy," he pleads.

"I'll tell Eric what just happened," Syed goes for broke.

"You're better than this," Christian sadly reminds him, seeing the despair in his eyes.

"No, I'm not," he cries.

"The way you've behaved today, tonight; Sy, don't let those be my last memories of you."

"I've lived with memories for the past year, and I can't do it anymore," he responds brokenly.

Christian lets Syed pull him close once more. He lets them have just a little more time."

**###**

"It's a text from Christian," Jane tells Eric. "He says not to wait for them; that they'll meet us at home."

"Did he mention if Syed was still in one piece?" Eric asks.

"No," she laughs.

"They've really got it bad," he responds with a rueful smile.

"They hurt each other so much, sometimes it's almost too painful to watch," she sighs.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"Eric will take you to airport. Sorry can't say goodbye. Love you." Christian's text tells Jane the next morning.

Eric turns up in plenty of time; to not only bring them to the airport, but also to have breakfast.

"I'd better wake Syed and tell him," Jane says reluctantly, but there is no answer when she knocks on his bedroom door.

"Try Christian's room," Eric suggests.

###

"Jane," Syed mumbles, when he wakes to find her standing by the bed staring down at him. Lying on his stomach, he starts to turn around towards her. "JANE," he cries, when he realises that the quilt has slipped off the bed, and that he's completely naked.

"I knocked three times," Jane defends herself without looking away, her voice filled with amusement. "Let me get that," she adds, slowly reaching down to pick the quilt up off the floor and throw it over him.

"Where's Christian?" he asks, throwing her a distrustful look; and as she struggles to find the words to tell him, he spots the note on his pillow.

The colour drains from his face as he reads it. "I'm sorry, I can't go back," he slowly repeats Christian's words.

Jane sits down on the bed, and he lets her embrace him without really being aware of her presence any longer.

###

"How could you? How could you and Christian betray me like that?" Eric cries dramatically when Syed and Jane walk into the kitchen a short while later, but Jane shakes her head to silence him.

Syed sits down at the table without saying a word. He drinks the cup of coffee Jane makes for him, but doesn't lift his head.

Jane and Eric chat on the way to the airport; Syed stares out the window, and through the same scenery he'd been so impressed by a week earlier.

"It's been great seeing you again; and hopefully the next time you come, I'll be in town longer and we'll have more time," Eric says, giving Jane a goodbye hug at Departures.

"I'm hoping to persuade Ian to let me come again for New Year," she tells him; her confident tone suggesting Ian won't have much choice in the matter.

"What about you? Will you be coming back again?" he asks, turning to Syed.

Syed shakes his head.

"Come here," Eric says gruffly, pulling him in for a hug.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Syed mumbles.

"You didn't," he assures him, with a warm smile.

Jane reads a book on the plane; Syed doesn't say one word the whole journey.

"It's better to have loved and lost ...," she tries to offer comfort before they part, but he stops her with a mournful shake of his head. After giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, he walks away.

#######################

_Three weeks later_

"Christian, you can't go on like this," Eric says with a sigh.

"I'm fine," he insists, with little evidence to back it up.

"If you were eating and sleeping properly; going to the gym or even able to string a few sentences together, I might be persuaded."

"I just need a little more time to get back into the swing of things," he offers a vague excuse.

"How many times did you check your Inbox today?"

"He's stopped sending me emails," Christian admits unhappily.

"A clean break is the best thing; you know that," Eric gently advises.

"I know," he accepts, wiping away a stray tear.

"Why don't you come back to work? It'll help take your mind off him, at least for part of the day."

"Yea, soon," Christian agrees.

"You know, he came to see me the day before he and Jane returned to London."

"What?" Christian asks, his full attention now engaged.

"He tried to get me to break up with you."

"He did? Well he had no right to do that," he sternly responds, but Eric sees the way his eyes light up at the idea that Syed would go to such lengths for him.

"That's why he looked so guilty when he returned," he muses with a little smile. "He went on my laptop to get your address," he realises, his smile growing wider as he recalls just how busy Syed had been that last day.

"We had an interesting chat; he really does care about you, and now that he's no longer with his wife ..."

"I promised myself that no matter what happened, I'd never go back to him," Christian miserably reminds him. "He doesn't deserve me anymore; remember, you told me that."

"Yes, I know; you needed to lose all hope so that you could close the door on that part of your life and try to move on. But now, over a year later, you're still as much in love with him as ever; so maybe it's time for plan B," Eric hesitantly suggests. "Maybe it's time to give him one more chance."

"I want to, so much; but it took so long for me to get this far; and if I go back to London and that whole mess ..."

"Christian, maybe …"

"I'm afraid I'll get hurt again," he cries, his eyes filling with tears.

"I know," Eric says sadly.

"When I was back in London, the tension was unbearable; his mother screaming at me, his father attacking me; they scared me so much more this time; I don't know how I coped before," Christian admits, his voice trembling. "I can't go back to that."

"The thing is, I don't think you have a choice," Eric tries to gently suggest. "You have to find a way to deal with them so that you can be with him."

"Why can't I stop loving him?" Christian pleads.

"He's a nice guy," Eric smiles.

"Yea, he's lovely, he's perfect," Christian sighs.

"And you're obviously no longer coping without him."

"I managed to find a way to move on last time," he insists. "I mean, I was getting by," he qualifies at Eric's doubtful expression. "I didn't feel like this; like nothing matters anymore, like everything is too much of an effort," he concludes miserably.

"Sitting here remembering him, pining for him, is doing you no good."

"I miss him," Christian says quietly. "I need some kind of contact; Jane won't talk about him anymore, she won't tell me how he is."

"We agreed that it was the best way to go," Eric admits.

"You talked about me and Syed; our relationship," Christian says, but there is no anger in his voice, only resignation.

"We care about you; we hate to see you so unhappy."

"I'll be fine."

"Yea, so you say," Eric says wearily.

_Three weeks later_

"You're fired."

"What?" Christian asks, his voice lacking any urgency.

"You heard me," Eric insists, pushing past him and into the apartment. "What difference does it make anyway? You haven't been to work since he left. And you're homeless, as of the end of next week; I need the flat for my sister; she wants to move out from mom and dad's," he adds.

"Your sister is 12," Christian points out.

"Okay, Sophie and I have split up, and I need somewhere to stay," he offers.

"I'll tell her you said that," Christian threatens, with a weak smile. "Anyway, I'll find somewhere else," he adds carelessly.

"Christian, you're my friend and I'll miss you, but please go back to London," Eric begs. "You know I travel there regularly with the business, so we'll see each other often …"

"Eric, I can't …"

"… and you and Syed can come over here anytime you fancy it, you only need the airfare. I'll pick you up from the airport, and you'll always have a somewhere to stay; you did say he'd fallen in love with the place.

"Please, Eric, just leave it," Christian begs.

"Remember I told you I was planning on opening a second gym in central London near the Barbican; well, I'd like you to run it for me."

"I know you're trying to help, but the one thing I can't do is return to London," Christian adamantly rejects the idea.

#######################

_Three weeks later_

"Honey, you've got to eat," Syed begs. "Why won't you ever eat for me? Why do you always think we're playing a game when I try to feed you?"

But Jack won't be reasoned with; he swipes at the spoon, and then squeals with laughter when his dinner goes all over Syed's shirt.

"Hi," Christian says from the doorway.

Syed freezes for a moment, and then slowly turns towards him.

"Jane told me you were still staying here; hope you don't mind me using my key, I didn't want to ring the bell in case Jack was asleep," he babbles nervously.

Syed can only stare at him; any words he might say stuck in his throat.

"Hey Jack," he greets; when Syed doesn't speak, or move, or appear to even breathe. Jack reaches out a messy hand to him, and gives him a big smile.

And then Syed comes to life. He starts to walk towards him, and then to run; he's in his arms in an instant, holding him tightly.

"I can't live without you," Christian whispers softly, as tears of joy and relief run down his cheeks.

Jack manages to reach his dinner dish on the table, and knocks it onto the floor, but it does him no good; at this moment, his daddy wouldn't notice if the whole roof fell in.

_The end _

_I hope you liked it. _

_I don't know what we're going to do without them._


End file.
